My Tagline Collection since the past 1 year..

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My Tagline Collection since the past 1 year..

"I love work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours."
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A procrastinator's work is never finished.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
All I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All work and no play makes (YOUR NAME) a dull boy/girl.
All work and no play means that I am making lots and lots of money.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Cinderella's life...
without the evil step-family...
or the fairy godmother...
or the prince...
or the glass slipper.
so basically just cleaning. :-X
Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong ten times gives you job security.
Due to economic hardships, I must go to work.
Even if you don't have the answer, you certainly have to admire the problem.
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
Hey I am working like a slave right now doing all of my silly chores.
Hey I'm at work right now but if you want you can come visit me. I'm at the corner of Main St. and Church St.
Hi ho, hi ho.. off to work I go.
Hi-ho Hi-Ho, I need to make some dough, so off to work I go!
Hopefully all this hard work will pay off one day.
I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday 22% Tuesday 26% Wednesday 35% Thursday 4% Friday
I am busy at the moment, but I wasn't when all your butts were sleepin!
I am currently occupied, give me a couple minutes to get frustrated and then I'll get back to you.
I am working, which is something that you should be doing.
I can't be fired, slaves are sold.
I don't care how bad I feel, when I go to work I make sure I give it my all! Never any less than 12%!
I fell asleep while doing work. If your my boss that's code for I'm working so hard that my head hurts.
I hate going to the bathroom right after the cleaning lady finishes cleaning the toilets. I always feel like I'm ruining her hard work. It just feels really disrespectful.
I have this thing called a job...
I keep thinking about quiting this job and going back to school, but then I remember how easy my job is.
I love my job, it's the work I hate.
I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go.
I should be working right now, don't add to my delinquency!
I thought America was a free country if it is then why am I slaving away for my boss at work?
I wasn't sleeping, I was testing the keyboard for drool resistence.
I'm at that place that they call "work." I guess I'm supposed to be "working" while I'm here.
I'm broke and it ain't no joke, so stop IM'ing me 'cause I trying to make some $$$!
I'm doing a little thing called work. You should try it sometime.
I'm out earning the dolla dolla bills ya'll so I can get myself some bling bling.
I'm practicing my Jedi knight skills.
::Waves hand::
A message will do fine.
I'm taking a break from procrastinating
I'm working right now... but next time I decide to procrastinate, I'll get back to you.
If a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind, what does a empty desk mean?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
Im out being a slave for my parents!! I will be back in a sec
Knowledge is Power - Power Corrupts - Study Hard
Me away me doing work, do not bother me or make a sound with a fork
Me, asleep on the job? No, I'm just trying to pick up my contact lens without using any hands.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Not available, working... At least that's what my boss thinks.
Out doing battle with the rooted enemy
People say hard work can't kill, but why take chances?
Sittin' here getting nothing accomplished as usual...
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating. One day, I shall be a sweet, succulent escargo of quiescence...until then, I practice.
Sorry I'm not here right now...I'm off slaving away my skills for the few bucks that I can earn.
Sorry im in HELL (ie. work)!
Sorry, but I am at an evil place where they are holding my paycheck hostage and I won't receive it unless I do what they tell me to do.
Sorry, I'm doing chores, for all I know I could be there for hours, or maybe even days, and I might even die :'(! sry!
Talent does what it can. Genius does what it must. I do what I get paid for.
The boss is behind me, so don't IM me unless you have a compliment about me.
The fools look upon the world and see only pleasure. The lost look upon the world and see only pain. The wise look upon the world and see their work cut out for them.
The only reason I go to work is for the money.
These people at work are giving me work! Can you believe this?
To steal ideas from one person, would be plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is called research.
We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
We were all brought up to believe that we'd grow up to be movie-gods and rock stars. but we're not. and we're pissed. I'm working leave a message.
Why do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
Work fascinates me, I can look at it for hours!
Work is so interesting. I could stare at it all day long.
Work, A risk to my sanity.
Work, it ain't easy, and it ain't fun, but it's a lot safer than holding up a liquor store.
Working; the millions of people on welfare are depending on me.
You caught me at a bad time, %n. Im currently envolved in an intelligence operation on enemy soil. I'll try to get back to you in a few weeks.
You know how I told you my boss was a fire breather? Well, BYE BYEZ! I'm gone!


If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Never buy a car you can't push.

When everything's coming your way...............you're in the wrong lane.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

It could be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Smile, and the world smiles with you. Laugh alone, and the world thinks ur an idiot.

In a world of pollution, profanity, adolescence, zits, broccoli, racism, ozone depletion, Michael Schumacher, immature guys, and mood swings, why the hell do people still tell me to have a nice day?

I wanted to kill the cutest girl on earth ... but, suicide is a crime.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I earn a seven figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

The road to success .......... is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich….. Which never works.

If at first you don't succeed…. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late…… the bus is still late.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen.
If you have a pen, you don't have paper.
If you have both, no one calls.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.

People like u r the reason why ppl like me need medication.

I had a nightmare, i dreamt i was with u.

Be yourself, there r enough other ppl.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

You dont have to drive me crazy. I'm close enough to walk.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Just bcoz i sit all day, all night, eat my food, do my work, and sleep here on my computer table, doesn't mean im addicted.

A black cat crossing your path signifies ... that the animal is going somewhere.

Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most.

Show me your best friend and I'll tell you who you are.

I was born intelligent. Education ruined me.

If its true that we r here 2 help others, then what exactly r the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, ppl appear brighter until u hear them speak.

One shud love animals. They r so tasty!

Those who are clever, who have loads of brains, never understand anything.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

"Your future depends on your dreams". So go to sleep.

Hard work nvr killed anybody. But why take the risk?

Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours.

Any similarity between ur concepts and mine is purely coincidental.

If i throw a stick at u, will u leave?

Be nice to the ones who smoke. Every cigarette might be their last.

I am trying to imagine u with a personality.

Dreams r like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.

It takes 43 muscles to frown n 17 to smile, but it doesnt take any to just sit there with a dumb look on ur face.

Never make someone ur priority while allowing them to make u their option.

I love walking in the rain so no one can see my tears...

To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart.

If someone betrays you once, it's his fault. If he betrays you twice, it's your fault.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Nobody is worth ur tears and the one who is will never make u cry!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Life isnt passing me by. Its trying to run me over.

Smile! Its easier than explaining why ur crying.

Sometimes our visions clear only after our eyes are washed away with tears.

I never changed. I just got tired of pretending i'm happy.

Smile..!! Tomorrow will be worse.

The difference between ''fiction'' and ''reality'' is that fiction has to make sense.

To be successful, u need frndz. To be VERY successful, u need enemies.

You cannot discover oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

There are many things that may catch your eye, but very few will catch your heart. Pursue those.

In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins. Not through strength, but through persistence.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Life isn't supposed to be an all or nothing battle between misery and bliss. Life isn't supposed to be a battle at all.
Well, sometimes life is just okay, sometimes it's comfortable, sometimes wonderful, sometimes boring, sometimes unpleasant.
When your day's not perfect, it's not a failure or a terrible loss.
It's just another day.

Neither knowable, nor knower am I.
Formless is my form,
I dwell within the senses but they are not my home.
Ever serenely balanced, I am neither free nor bound,
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss is where I'm found.

We make those who care for us cry.
We cry for those who would never care for us.
And we care for those who would never cry for us.
Once one realises it... it's never too late to change.

Never explain yourself to anyone.
The person who likes you doesn't need it, and the person who dislikes you won't believe it.

"Treat others the way you want to be treated". However, if that doesn't work ... treat others the way they treat you.

The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you. It is when you fail to understand yourself.

Don't live because you are born. You are born to live.

You and only you are responsible for who you are, what you feel, what you get.

Our consciousness of the world is perfect when our consciousness realizes all things as spiritually one, and therefore capable of giving us joy.
For us the highest purpose of this world is not merely living in it, knowing it and making use of it, but realizing our own selves in it through expansion of sympathy; not alienating ourselves from it and dominating it, but comprehending and uniting it with ourselves in perfect union.

No human being, even the most passionately loved and passionately loving, is ever in our posession.

The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvellous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is sort of a Divine accident.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one most not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Each time that one loves is the only time one has ever loved. Difference of object does not alter singleness of passion. It merely intensifies it. We can have but one great experience at best, and the secret of life is to reproduce that experience as often as possible.

Never take someone for granted.
Hold every person close to your heart, and always make them feel that they mean a lot to you, because you might wake up one day and realise that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones.

Hope, friends and love - they are needed, no matter who you are.

Never blame a day in your life.
Good days give you HAPPINESS and bad days give you EXPERIENCE.
Both are essential in Life.

Your absence should be long enough so that somebody misses you, but it should not be so long that somebody learns to live without you.

We never get what we want,
We never want what we get,
We never have what we like,
We never like what we have,
Still we live, still we love, still we hope,
This is life.

Never be sad for missing whatever you expected.
But be happy since god made you realise that those expectations were not of much worth in your life.

A desire to be observed, considered, esteemed, praised, beloved, and admired by his fellows is one of the earliest as well as the keenest dispositions discovered in the heart of man.

Beware the fury of a patient man.

Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour.

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without.
If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with?
Fall head over heels.
I say, find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back.
And how do you find him?
Forget your head and listen to your heart.
I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back.
Because, the truth is: there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all.
You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived".

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.

It's not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised. The mosquito is swatted.

Life must be understood backward. But it must be lived forward.

Life, liberty and property do not exist because men made laws.
On the contrary, it was the fact that life, liberty and property existed beforehand that caused men to make laws in the first place.

You know, I really like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a little plague there. Omnipotence ... got to get me some of THAT.
A girl is much more than she seems She's not a toy by any means Underneath all the make-up and hair There's a tag that says: "Handle with care"
A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do .
A heart is not a play thing. A heart is not a toy But if you want it broken Just give it to a boy
A wise man once said, "I don't know, go ask a woman!"
Behind the eye-shadow. And the long brushed hair. There's a sign on our heart. Saying "Handle with Care."
Boys are dumb, throw rocks at them.
Boys are like a box of chocolates...You never know which one has nuts
Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.
Boys are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped
Boys are not pigs. Pigs are cute, considerate, and caring.
Boys aren't stupid, girls are just smarter.
Boys suck...especially on days that end with a "y"
Busy beautifing myself, it's a girl thing.
Coffee, chocolate, and men. Some things are just better rich.
Cute enough to make you look twice, Sweet enough but not too nice, A lil crazy but not too wild, The kinda girl that'll make you smile
Don't call me princess, don't call me queen, just call me the cutest thing you've ever seen.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful; hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
Don't talk about yourself all the time because we do that when you're gone.
Flirting; be back in a few hours.
Friends are forever, and Guys are whatever ... But when worse comes to worse ... My GIRLS Come First!
Girls are cute. Guys are not. Girls are sweet. Guys just rot.
Girls are like butterflies they?re pretty to see and hard to catch.
Girls are like phones, they liked to be held, and talked to but if you push the wrong button you will get disconnected.
Girls are so cool, that's why when boys look at us they drool.
Girls aren't easily amused, that's why I can't sit in front of my computer all day.
Girls know everything, boys just don't know it yet.
Girls rule while boys drool!
Girls were born so boys wouldn't get lonely
God made man before women because you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.
God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt.
Guys are like parking spots...All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Guys are like public toilets ~~~ They are either taken or full of crap!
He broke my heart so I broke his jaw.
How pumpkins are like boys; their heads are empty, their brains are mush, and after a few days, they start to smell funny.
I am made of sugar and spice and everything nice.
I don't need to wear make-up because I have natural beauty.
I don't need your attitude... I've got my own.
I hate thongs, I mean come on, who needs to floss their ass?
I know I'm beautiful but I still need my make-up.
I know you think I'm cute, I know you think I'm fine, but like the rest of the guys, take a number and wait in line!
I love boys; they're so dumb.
I'm a girl and I bite so don't bother me.
I'm doing my make-up, I'll be back in a few hours.
I'm not a complicated woman; I'm just good at complicating things.
I'm sugar and spice and everything nice. You wanna mess with me? Well you best think twice!
I'm sweet like sugar, soft like suede, but unlike nintendo, I never get played
If you think girls are all for clothes make-up, jewelry and boys, then you're right.
If you think I'm hot leave a message.
It's a girls world, guys just live in it.
It's that time of the month and going online would be the last place i'd want to be right now so if you don't have to worry about maxipads and underwire...... GO TO HELL!
Men have feelings too but who really Cares!?
Mental anxiety, Mental breakdowns, Menstrual cramps, Menopause... Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with Men?
Much money...good boy, no money...good bye
My nails are drying so I can't type right now.
Never call a boy a pig; you might insult the pig!
Real men do laundry. Too bad I haven't found one yet.
The only boy who deserves you is the on who thinks he doesn't.
There once was a boy who wanted to be really smart. So that night he wished upon a star and in the morning he was a girl.
Wait for the boy who will drop everything for you at any time of the day just to see you. Wait for the boy that will make an ordinary moment seem magical. Wait for the boy that you can't help but smile when you see, and when he smiles, you know he needs you. Wait for the boy who will be your best friend. the one who wants to show you off to the world even in your sweats with no make up...but most of all, wait for the boy who will put you in the center of the universe, because he is obviously the center of yours
Waiting for the right guy, meanwhile having fun with all the wrong ones.
When God made girls He was so proud. When God made boys He was so upset. When God made me He was just showing off!



%n, if I'm an addict, then how come you're IM'ing me?
Don't worry, I am visiting a therapy web site for computer addictions...
Everyone complains I don't get out enough, well I'm out of this chair right now. BRB
Hello %n, at %t on %d something AMAZING happened....... I left the computer!!!
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...", but for now, it is the best of times because I am in temporary bliss. My dream world known as sleep. I leave this on so as to wake up to a message from %n.
"No! Put that down! Omg, *crash*, no, that was $100! Not on the couch! No, that's a white couch! No!" In case you can't tell, I'm babysitting.
*Screams as the baby threatens me for milk*
1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep, 4 sheep, Zzzzzzzzzzzzz!
2 out of 3 voices in my head are telling me to go to bed. Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas.
4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep.
54,55,56... Shhh! I'm counting sheep.
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTYVWXYZzzzz...
Annoying babies grow into annoying kids, I'm off watching this process.
B is for Barely surviving. A is for Always Annoying. B is for Boring late shows. Y is for Yearning for home. S is for Shut up being yelled at kids. I is for Isolating. T is for Time to go home. T is for Tiring. I is for Ignoring the kids. N is for Never fun. G is for GETTING CASH!!!! LOL!!! TTYL!!!
Babysitting 101:First step-Get pillow, Second step-place child on pillow, Third Step-place pillow over child, Fourth step-find good book to read, Step Five-sit on child and read book. Thanks for attending my babysitting class. I am now excersising my ways of teaching by practicing the following steps!
Babysitting! I'll be back when I finish tying the kids to a chair!! TTYL!!
Cleaning up baby throw up. I shouldn't have put that beer in her bottle! oops!
Counting sheep, be back in the morning.
Doing some quality blanket and pillow bonding time.
Don't you just hate it when people leave their away message on when they are sleeping?
Dreaming... Please do not disturb.
Even superheroes need their sleep.
Ever have to babysit an annoying little kid who can't take hint and won't leave you alone...I'm dealing with that right now. Can't talk right now because I'm teaching %n the meaning of the word BABY-SITTING.
Everyone thinks I like to sleep. It's not that I like it, I'm just really good at it.
Everyone thinks I like to sleep. It's not that I like to sleep, it's just that I don't like to get up.
Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.
Goodbye cruel world! ...Until tomorrow morning, that is.
Goodnight moon and stars.
Goodnight, I 'll see you in my dreams.
Hello pillow, have you met my face?
Hello... My name is (YOUR NAME HERE) and I'm a sleepaholizzzzzzzz...
Heres the scoop, im not here right now because I'm cleaning up poop! The babies are crying and the tots are screaming when the parents see this they'll be STEAMING! Im sposed to be working not talking to you so I'm not here and I'm cleaning up poo!
Hey cant talk, I got to little brats on my hand, called my brother and sister! I CANT BELIEVE IM NOT GETTING PAID for THIS!
Hi I am sorry but I am babysitting little brats at the momment(ugh) but maybe I will invite you to the party I will be holding at their house once they fall asleep.
Hurting...I mean watching the brats from next door...it?s a dirty job but someone has gotta do it.
I am a sleepaholic and I am feeding my addiction.
I am always confused when people ask me did you sleep good? I always wonder if they want me to say no, I made a few mistakes.
I am currently analyzing the patterns of light as they permeate the membranes of my eyelids to learn the meaning of life.
I am currently staring at the inside of my eyelids.
I am in the middle of a really long blink. Leave a messeage.
I can't sleep and I already tried counting sheep,"sigh" I wish I could count past 10.
I can't sleep because I'm depressed but I'm depressed beacause I can't sleep.
I feel sorry for all of you who take forever to fall asleep. I can do it like a snap! I could even fall asleep right here on the keyb-- ghtufkndyghdhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
I got this disease called sleepiness.
I hate my alarm clock... because it works so well.
I have a date with my blanket.
I know I don't need any more beauty sleep but I'm going to get some more sleep anyways.
I know I don't need any more beauty sleep... I just really enjoy sleeping.
I never have any time to get any work done... I am taking a nap now, so leave a message.
I pulled an all-nighter being awake! Now I'm pulling an all-dayer being asleep!
I swear, I'm paying attention to you. The pillow and drool are just here for decoration.
I value my sleep, and if you value your life, you'll let me get my rest.
I wasn't sleeping... I was just picking up my contacts without any hands.
I'll be comfortably unconscious for the next 8 hours.
I'm baby sitting twerps right now so you can give me a ringer. You may not be to happy about what I say to you so if you have young people around I would go and buy some ear plugs!!!!!
I'm doing first-hand research on energy conservation. I'm sleeping.
I'm having a wonderful dream, I'll tell you about it when I wake up.
I'm hiding from (DAY OF THE WEEK) under the covers.
I'm holding my ear up to my pillow, and closing my eyes to see if I can hear the ocean. I will probably be doing this until morning, so leave a message.
I'm in Hell- SAVE ME!!! BBL when I'm done babysitting!
I'm in the middle of a really long blink.
I'm living the single most horrifying night of my life, little demons are going to torment me with constant howling, and screaming, they will throw strange hanffulls of unknown goop at me and the $600 white sofa. This may also be called 'babysitting'
I'm not here right now because I am wacking, I mean....putting my little brother to bed..when no one is home..just him and me..hehehe
I'm not yawning I'm just exercising my jaw.
I'm off getting tortured, beaten up, pinched, annoyed, whined at, frustrated, and I feel like I'm about to blow. oh, in other words, I'm baby-sitting.
I'm off in Alphabet Land catching some Zzzzz's.
I'm sitting on a baby...uh oh, it looks flat now...
I'm sleeping at the moment... so do the right thing and leave a message.
I'm spending some quality time with my pillow.
I'm testing out my pillow right now...it's probably going to take awhile so leave a quiet message and I'll get back to you later with the results.
I'm trying to use as little energy as possible. I'm sleeping.
I've got a date with my pillow.
I've got an 8 hour ticket to dream land.
I've slipped into a coma, but don't call an ambulance. I'd like to stay like this for at least 8 hours.
If I got a dollar for every hour I sleep, then I would be a millionaire.
If sleeping paid....Then I would be getting paid right now.
If sleeping were a class I'd get an A+.
If you are reading this, I am dead... Just kidding, I'm sleeping. But people do die in their sleep. Pleasant dreams!
If you need me I'll be sleeping, if you really need me I'll still be sleeping, so leave a message.
Insomniacs of the world, goodnight.
It is said that you can wake up on the right side of the bed, and you can also wake up on the wrong side of the bed... But what happens when you wake up under your bed?
It sucks listening to little whiners, but at least I get payed...
It's nap time.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Less talk, more sleep.
Lets play a game... hide and go sleep.
Losing myself in my thoughts, indulging in the sweetness of dreams, dreading the day to come...
My parents are always encouraging me. They say that when you are good at something or have a talent, you should keep practicing so you can get better. I listened to them and am practicing sleeping.
Now I lay down in my bed, I pray the Lord protect my head. For if out of my bed I fell, My hea

"Don't be shy in life and miss out on opportunities that now you could never have."
A dieters worst nightmare...a friend who can eat ANYTHING......and not gain a pound.
A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.
Be concerned about your character and not your reputation, because your character is who you are, and your reputation is just what people think about you.
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Boy meets Girl...Boy likes Girl, Girl likes Boy, Boy kisses Girl, Girl hates Boy, Boy hates Girl, Girl likes Boy, Boy still hates Girl.... isn't that just my luck??
Common sense is the most uncommon thing in the world.
Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
Do you ever get the feeling that life is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes?
Don't go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
Don't let the past create the future, let the future erase the past.
Don't sleep life away... it doesn't last long anyway.
Everyday is a good day, some are just better than others.
Everyone has to be something to somebody to be anybody, anybody that tries to be everything to everybody is nothing to anybody.
Everyone needs a chance in something, its just that some people need to let that happen.
Everyone plans for tommorow, but tommorow is promised to no one.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else
Experience is the hardest teacher, it gives you the test first and then the lesson.
Find a Penny, pick it up, and all day long you have a penny. but if you find a midget, take it home and invite your friends over.
Forget regeret or life is yours to miss,
forget loneliness or you'll never get your first kiss.
Forget regret or life is yours to miss.
Growing old is manditory but growing up well that my friends is optional!
Growing old is manditory, growing up is optional.
Growing old is manditory...but growing up...well that my friends...is OPTIONAL!
I hate my life can I have yours?
I hope your life is like toilet paper, long and useful.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for something I'm not.
If a women tells you she's 20 and she looks 16 she's 12, if she tells you she's 26 and looks 26 she's damn near 40.
If it's not alright, it's not the end.
if life hands you lemons squeeze them into a squirt gun and shoot someone in the eye.
If you cannot solve it, it is not a problem - it is reality.
If you like a person, and you tell them... they hate you afterwards... if you like a person, and don't tell them, you find out they liked you, and now you lost your chance, and they wonder why I am so confused.
It is never tommorrow.
It's like a movie except realistic.
Learn from your past. Live in the present. Prepare for the future.
Learn It From Experience
Life in general is a little less interesting than getting stabbed in the eye with a pencil.
Life is like a broken pencil - Pointless - Monty Python
Life is like a coin, you can spend it any way you want but you can only spend it once.
Life is like a pi?ata...Take a chance and wack it!
Life is like an ice cream enjoy it before it melts.
Life is not like a pencil, if you make a mistake, it can't be erased. Life is more like a pen, you can use white out to cover it up, but you'll always be reminded of the spot where you made a mistake.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.
Life is to short to watch what you eat.
Life is too short to just sit around on the computer all day, so what are you doing on the computer?
Life Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.....
Doesn't it suck that I have the right to ignore you whenever I want!
Live like you're going to die tomorrow, but plan like you're going to live forever.
Money doesn't make you rich. Life makes you rich.
No one can beat life but every one can live it.
Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.
Pain is temporary but glory is forever.
See a penny pick it up and all day long you'll have: A penny
Smile, because it's easier than explaining why you're so sad.
Some complain because roses have thorns but others rejoice because thorns have roses.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist
The only thing that can't be recycled is wasted time.
The thing I fear most isn't to die, it's just the opposite, it's to stay alive.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
The truth is; we hide so we can be found, we walk away to see who will follow, we cry to see who will wipe away our tears and we let our hearts get broken to see who will come and fix it.
There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
There are two times I feel stress-- day and night.
There is only one world and that is reality. Get used to it.
Times change, people and things change, the only difference is we don't want them to.
Tommorow is a privilege, so live life today like theres no tomorrow.
True friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.
We could all take a lesson from crayons: Some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colors; but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
We're all the same because we're all different.
When I do right, no one ever remembers. When I do wrong, no one ever forgets.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, spit it in, then give it back to life.
When life starts out it's like a blank canvas, but as you live your life it is given many new colorful experiences and relationships so by the time you die the canvas is a beautifully colored masterpiece.
When the Road gets bumpy..just smile smile smile smile..smile and be happy!
Wisdom has two parts: 1. Having a lot to say, and 2. Not saying it.
Worry about your character and not your reputation, because your character is who you are, and your reputation is just what people think about you.
Yea hello I'm somewhere getting a life instead of sitting here and waiting for people to get on. If you need me, you know the digits peace out~:)
You are never fully dressed without a smile.
You can hear it in my voice, read it on my face, I'm drowing in memories of the things I can't replace.
You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got, remember what you had, always forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret, people change, things go wrong, but just remember life goes on...
You may regret what you do, but you'll regret what you don't do even more.
~Many things in life will catch your eye, few will catch your heart~Pursue those!!d would hurt and start to swell.
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful castle... Oh forget it, good night.
People say "The early bird gets the worm." That's great for the bird but what does that mean for me? What if I'm the worm? I'm busy sleeping in.
Reality is losing its appeal so I am going to sleep.
Recharging.
Right now I'm at the neighbors eating they're food and watchin TV or in other words... I'm babysitting!
Screaming..Shouting..Yelling..Fighting..Make it stop! *In other words...I'm babysitting BBL
Shhh... I'm sleeping, so please leave a message very quietly.
Shhh... I've got insomnia and I'm trying to sleep it off.ALL YOU CAN HOPE FOR IS THE MERCY OF HELL."
"I'm ready! I pulled an all-nighter!"
"JUST OUR LITTLE JOKE."
"Ngk," said Crowley.
"Today we will be having a test."
"Yeah?"
"You studied all night?"
"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
-Ingrid Bergman
"At the store, they have one-hundred-percent recycled toilet paper," Marla says. "The worst job in the whole world must be recycling toilet paper."
-Fight Club
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." -Miss Piggy
"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."
-St. Augustine
"Can you hear me now? ...good." - Verison Wireless guy
"College is about three things: homework, fun, and sleep...but you can only choose two."
"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future" -Galadriel (Lord of the Rings)
"Fate only takes you so far, because once you get there, it's up to you to make things happen." -Can't Hardly Wait
"For one day the end will come and on that day there will be no pardons" - Krieg Jagd
"Hey, don't worry about that. Just consentrate on what you're doin' and put it in the hole." ~ Hoosiers
"hunny, whatever your game is, I'll be ready to drop the bomb on you"-Sable
"I am not young enough to know everything." - unknown
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying." -Oscar Wilde
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears
"I have no regrets. It's the twists and turns and the bumbs and bruses that make us who we are today. So why would you want to regret that?" -Pacey, Dawson's Creek
"I need a boy like you like a hole in my head!!" (Dixie Chicks)
"I trust everyone...I just don't trust the devil inside of them."
"If at first you don't suceed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"If everyone played by all the rules, life would be no fun."
"If life gives you lemons, throw them at someone!" -Eminem
"If there is nothing to believe in...theres no purpose in life."
"If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure"-- Dan Quayle
"Kids, you tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is- never try." -Homer Simpson
"Never let your schooling interfere with your education." - Mark Twain
"Save the Environment...Plant a Bush back in Texas" -- Bumper Sticker
"Some guys are like playing with flames you don't want to get to close for the fear of getting burned" -Ali
"Some people are alive because it's illegal to kill them"
"Son, I'm not going to lie to ya. You're as dumb as a mule & twice as ugly. If a strange man pffers you a ride- I say take it!" -Grandpa Simpson
"Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighbor... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting."
-Mother Theresa
"Take a stand against crime...shoot back."
"The greatest thing in life is to love and be loved in return!" Moulin Rouge
"The pure and simple truth is rarely ever pure, and never simple."
"Those who think they know everything, are very annoying to those of us who do." - Mark Twain
"Time changes things." -William A. Keene
"to live is to suffer...to survive is to find meaning in the suffering:...DMX
"To live would be an awfully big adventure..." - Peter Pan
"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."
-La Rochefoucauld
"Truth is the perception of reality, whereas reality is the perception of the truth" ~ Anonymous
"Truth, Beauty, Freedom, but above all things, Love" -Moulin Rouge
"Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." - Yoda
"Vote for pedro!"
"We as children of God have been transformed and made anew by the miracle of regeneration."Quote from A Divine Relelation of Heaven by Mary K. Baxter
"You don't like your job? There's a support group for that. It's called
everyone." --Drew Carey
'When near, make it seem that you are far, when far, that you are near' Sun Tzu
*The best gift you can give is a hug: 1 size fits all and nobody ever minds if you return it*
- Crowley in conversation with his superiours - Good Omens
A girl is much more than she seems, not a toy by any means. Underneath the makeup and hair, there's a sign saying handle with care.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer , but wish we didn't ..
Confucius says...Give a penny,Take a penny,But if you need more than 5 pennies,...GET A JOB!!!
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't let people be reckless with yours.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. - H.L. Mencken
Everybody expects tomorrow ... but maybe we shouldn't - Eric
Fear is an illusion.. So Face it! M. J.
Friends are like elevator buttons, they can either take you up or bring you down, choose wisely.
Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate. - David Pratt
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day....give a man religion and he will starve to death while praying for a fish
Good ... Bad ... I'm the guy with the gun. - Ash - "Army of Darkness"
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love. - Neil Gaiman
How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception. - Alfred de Musset
Humans suffering from a conflict of signals aren't the best people to be holding guns, especially when they've just witnessed a natural childbirth, which definitely looked an un-American way of bringing new citizens into the world. - Good Omens
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. - Chang-tzu
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's the best they will feel all day.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. - Woody Allen
If you dont know me, you've no right to judge me, I got a good heart, but this heart can get ugly -DMX
If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime. - Anonymous
If you're going my way, I'll walk with you.
IM me if you want I won't respond because Homer Simpson once said, and I Quote "If something's hard to do then its not worth doing"
In life, when you fall on your face you are still moving forward.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get. -Forest Gump
Life is like that...sad and blue. When you see the sky raining it's me crying for you.
Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift that no one ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once is a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper. - Smoking Man
Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. - Charles D'Hericault
Make your own footsteps..don't follow in others!
Momma said life's like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get!
Music is the essence of life, life is the essence of music.-Zoolander
Never apologize for saying what you feel. It's like apologizing for being real.
Never argue with an idiot, they always bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
No Man Could Eat 50 Eggs - Tre' Cool
On a mission trying to find Mr. Warren G
Only the dead have seen the end of war. -Plato
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read - Groucho Marx
Pacifism is objectively pro-Fascist..."he that is not with me is against me." - George Orwell
Remember that life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.
Roads are a suggestion, Marge. Just like pants.- Homer
Smile and the world smiles with you, fart and you stand alone.
Smile when it lightning's ... because God is taking a picture of you...
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay for a while and leave footprints in our hearts and we are never, ever, the same. ~ Anonymous
Someone told me to make up my mind..... its been a while and my lipstick is smudging!
Sometimes you gotta let your heart led you even if it is somewhere your not supose to be ~Van Wilder
Suicide is man's way of telling god, "You can't fire me, I quit!"
The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own. -Michael Konda
The key to happiness is self-delusion. Don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion. - Scott Adams
The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin
There is more to life than being really really Ridiculously good looking -Zoolander
Thou shalt not steal, rather thou shalt steal with a happy smile.
Time waits for no one.
We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. - Walter Lippmann
When the one you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a tresure!
When you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling make it through life so that when you die you will be smiling and everyone around you will be crying.
woman: "Sir, you are very drunk tonight."man: "Ma'am, you are very ugly tonight, but in the morning I shall be sober...and you will still be ugly!" so im away ~Winston Churchill
Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. - Calvin (Bill Watterson)
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like no one's watching, and Laugh like no one's listening.
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards. - Robert Heinlein
You only live once . but if you live it right, once is enough.
Your not a failure until you refuse to get up.


Shhh... Please type quietly... I'm sleeping.
Shhhh quiet. I'm sleeping!
Shhhhh, I might be beautiful, but I still need my beauty sleep.
Sitting on the baby...uh, I mean babysitting
Sleep (n) : the natural periodic suspension of consciousness during which the powers of the body are restored.
Sleep (n): A natural periodic state of rest for the mind and body, in which the eyes usually close and consciousness is completely or partially lost, so that there is a decrease in bodily movement and responsiveness to external stimuli.
Sleep - It's what I do when I'm not awake.
Sleep - The cure for sleepiness.
Sleep is actually a good substitute for coffee.
Sleep is just a substitute for insufficient caffine.
Hey! You aren't cool, unless you pee your pants!" ~Billy Madison
"In the shower....Who wants to join in the fun??"
"It's OK officer... they didn't drink as much as I did!"
"Hey! You aren't cool, unless you pee your pants!" ~Billy Madison
'm in the tub with my lil rubber ducky!
*DING DONG*..... Nature calling.
*Ring ring ring* Nature's calling,......be back soon!
*T*I*N*K*L*E *T*I*N*K*L*E In the toilet .... :)... :HEY GIVE ME SOME PRIVACY!!!
1,2,3, I'm Going Pee So DON'T FRICKING DISTURB ME!!!
1,2,3,4 I'm going potty, so shut the door!!
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W U X Y Z.......what letter is missing....if you guessed P you are right... b/c it is running down my leg....brb
ABCDEFG All my turds are chasin me.One is small,one is fat,one got eaten by my cat.ABCDEFG A ll my turds are chasin me.
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZIf your wondering where the P is... its about to run down my leg in a second.
after my 1or so years on this planet i have learned a few things: #girls are btiches and #guys are ass holes. I believe this is a result of A negative feedback mechanism from the ladies. It results in me being an asshole. So I have come about with a way to stop this...Stop Being Bitches...and if you don't believ this will work ladies just try it for a month, no bitchyness at all and bam, their just might be an alright guy hiding in that asshole
Anchors Away!
Arty Farty had a party,all the farts were there.Tootie Frutty dropped a beauty and they all went out for air!!
Be back in a splash ... In the john!
Be right back I am feeding the toilet its dinner.
Be right back... I would have come up with a more creative away message but I have to pee really badly
Bleeding the lizard.
Boo!! I scared you I think you pooped your pants!! Now you can wait in line while I poop.
Brb, I gotta drop trou and squeze out a Cleavland steamer.
Breaking the seal, leave me one.
Bringin the Browns to the Superbowl
Bud Light Presents: Real American Heroes. Today I salute you Mr./Mrs./Ms. Compulsive Away Message Checker. While most people are out actually having a fun college life, you are at home, reading about it on your computer screen. Right mouse click, Get Buddy Info, or the little Info box at the bottom of the Buddy List [whichever is faster]. You have people on that list you haven't talked to in years, but you still loyally read their away messages everyday to see what they are up to [borderline stalking]. So sit back, Marauder of the Mousepad, and don't wander too far from your computer because you never know when someone's away message may change
Can't you SEE, that i have to PEE?!?!?!
Could you please direct me to the used beer department? I have an oversized load to deliver!
Day by day...week by week....right now I gotta go take a leak
Death to all alien toasters
Diarrhea, diarrhea.... When you're walking in the hall and you feel something fall, diarrhea! diarrhea! When your standing on a ladder and you feel something splatter, diarrhea! Diarrhea!
Doctors say that it is good for us to drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. Unfortunately it has its consequences. brb
Doctors suggest that you should drink at least 64 oz. of water a day. Being a drone, I make sure to do this. Unfortunately it does have some side effects... Leave a message, I'll be back soon.
Doing paper work..
Doing some consulting with my toilet right now.
Doing something funky in the bathroom.
Don't procrastinate, urinate!
Don't settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without.
Don't waste water, shower with a friend.
Don't you wish you were my homework so I'd be doing you right now?
Dont you hate it when you flush...and that lil pebble of crap comes back up!...WHAT DOES THAT LIL PEBBLE CRAP WANT?
Doodie called and now we're having a long conversation in the bathroom.
Doody calls.
Draining the one-eyed giant.
Drop me a message while I drop something in the toilet.
Dropin' the kids off at the pool if you get what I'm sayin...
Dropping bombs on Toiletville.
Dropping of the Cosby Kids
Dropping the kid off at the pool, oh wait i think its twins..... ahhhhhhhh
Dropping the kids off at the pool.
Ever see that movie where the alien breaks through that guys chest? Well that just happened to me...but in my pants
Everyone sh*ts. So yup, you guessed it. I'm taking a dump :-)
Feeding the toilet some chocolate...
Feeding the toilet.
Fiber cleans everything but the toilet.
Food... it does the body good. Leave me one!
Girls were a poor investment. I want my rib back.
Giving head be back in 1min.
Gone pissin'
Gotta go Gotta go Gotta go right now Gotta go Gotta Go......LOOKOUT SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!!!
Gotta pee.... Be back in three!
Growing a Tail. (Harvey Swanson)
Happiness is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.
Have you ever felt what it't like to piss like a race horse? Grab onto my dick real quick and you will!
Hear no Evil, See no Evil, Speak no Evil, Sometimes you just gotta take a Shit!
hello i want friend ship withh u
HELP! I'm trapped in the toilet, I fell in. Can you please help me... Hello... Hello.. Uh-oh i think someone is coming.
Help, I'm on the toilet and I'm out of toilet paper.
Here I sit broken hearted, tried to shit and only farted. Later on I took a chance......tried to fart and shit my pants.
Hey %n, Don't you hate when you are going number 2 and the water splashes up on your butt? well thats whats happening to me at the moment....Splash!
Hey a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. and right now this girls gotta do-do...
Hey I am relieving myself, I'll be back when its all over.
Hey I'm takin a BrB (Bath Room Break)! So sit tight and I'll be right back!
Hey right now I'm acting like a dump truck because I'm taking a load off so I'll be back after I'm done takin a dump...brb...:-D
Hey, I went to go potty, lol, but if you're one fine lookin' hottie, you stay here.
Hfgewhfgsfbnyuk6jr yrnyth jb4th 6t3r tr3gf5r r3vgrftttttttr 43t 56j435gy34b 435gv4y3tg5y4utyueruthevgtu54yyytrtrrim pooping so my typing is a little off
Hi this is (your name here)'s bladder, if it weren't for me, (name) would still be here talking to you.
Homework...homework... homework... I can't have a life, I have homework!
How dry I am, how wet I'll be, if you don't stop, IMing me. You got offline, now I'm heading for the door... oops it's to late...it's on the bathroom floor.
How dry I am. How wet I'll be. If I don't find, The bathroom key.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I am christening the toilet I will be right back!
I am currently fixated upon the mystical disappearing water act that the toilet bowl can continuously provide.
I am currently relieving the stress that's on my bladder.
I am diposing some of my nautral resorces.
I am going to the potty so don't leave if your a hottie.
I am not here and I have gone to a better place... yep... I'm on the toilet!!
I am not here I'm on the potty, but don't leave if you're a hotty.
I am on the potty, but don't you leave if you're a HOTTIE!
I am probably far away in another land.....or I just might be on the toilet.
I am scratching in the litterbox at the moment.
I am sorry I am not here right now but I got tired of the prairie dog poking his head in and out. Until further notice the prairie dog is still stuck.
I am stranded on toilet island.
I am such a generous person that I have desided to share a part of myself with the toilet.
I am taking care of some buisness, that just happens to be taken care of in a small room with a tub and toilet.
I can't be at the pooter right now cause I'm in the bathroom on the pooper!
I got a meeting with Mr. Johnson, be back in minutes.
I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now, I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!(use the bathroom)
I gotta pee like a race horse goin on it's 3rd lap!! be b/k in a jiffy!!
I have to go to the bathroom... my back teeth are swimming!
I think i'm going to need a plunger!!! Can I borrow yours?
I was here, but now I'm gone. Because I went to use the john!!
I was sitting here thinking about how fat I've gotten recently. Then I started thinking about exercising. But thinking made me hungry, so I gotta eat!
I went to potty land and won't be back for another 10 hours, I hope we can talk later.
I went to the bathroom...and I have not figured out how to pull my zipper up yet. I am still working on it... be back later (I hope)
I'll be right back, my potty is thirsty.
I'll give you one guess about what I'm doing. It involves a #1 and or #2.
I'm at the bank making a deposit, no not that kind of bank, I'm on the toilet.
I'm at the Log Dropping Ceremonies.
I'm delivering a package to the toilet.
I'm downloading right now... Literally.
I'm draining out my fluids.
I'm droppin' the Jeffersons off at the Pool.
I'm feeding the bathroom with Chocolate and Mellow Yellow.
I'm feeding the potty, please leave a message and I'll get back to you when its full!
I'm in a foreign land far far away... Oh wait, this is just the bathroom.
I'm in the bathroom right now...Be back in a splash.
I'm in the Shower ...stop THINKIN of me Nakie...imma Go put something on....Awwwwww Stop laughing at what I'm wearing.
I'm in the tub with my lil rubber ducky!
I'm inspecting my log at the moment
I'm magically changing the color of my teeth.
I'm magically changing the color of the toilet water.
I'm magically changing the color of toilet paper.
I'm making a deposit to the water bank! get it?
I'm making a donation to tha urination station.
I'm making soup in the pot! BRB!
I'm not as think as I drunk you am.
I'm not here but check the bathroom, that's where I found %n last time!
I'm not here cause I'm goin #1...or maybe #2, oh GOD I hope its #2, it feels so good when I go 2#.
I'm not here right because I'm dropin' a load leave me a message.
I'm off to the urination station.
I'm on the crapper. Deal with it.
I'm on the toilet, pretending to be a fighter pilot dropping bombs into the ocean.
I'm prairie doggin' it. Be back in a few hours.
I'm puttin' the brown ball through the hoop.
I'm slipping and sliding in the shower.
I'm stuck in the potty.
I'm taking a dump at the moment so if its not to much trouble just dump a message on the screen.
I'm taking a pee... Please wait for me...
I'm taking a piss right now..but instead of taking it I think I'll leave it.BrB
I'm taking a pitstop to the bathroom be back later.. maybe soon maybe a little bit later.. it depends on what I had for dinner.. I dont really remember so... I'll be back when i'm done..
I'm taking a shower now because the neighbors are starting to complain.
I'm taking a shower so I smell good for you.
I'm taking advantage of indoor plumbing, be back in 2minutes.
I'm taking advantage of indoor pluming! I'll be right back!
I'm taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, and by the looks of it it is going to be tough.
I'm there on the potty and I'm not leaving till it all comes out.
I'm trying out my new toilet paper.
I'm using the bathroom so leave me alone, if it's an emergency call me on the phone, if it's not just stay right there, hey quit looking it's rude to stare.
I'm using the bathroom...well, actually I fell in, but what can you do about a toliet the size of a bath tub oh never mind it IS a bath tub! BRB
I'm visiting my friend John who feels a little flushed.
I've gone to the most refreshing place in the world...Yup that'd be the bathroom ;-)
I've gone to un-retain some water.
I've got a booty call...from the toilet, if you know what I mean.
I've to run cause I got the runs.
If I had a computer in my bathroom, I wouldn't be away right now.
If I'm not back in 10 minutes, you better go in the bathroom and yell for me. Who knows, I coulda got flushed down there and wind up in your toilet.
If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.
If the world was a toilet, then I'd be sitting on top of the world right now.
If u once thought something warm down ur leg was nothing.....and u couldnt figure out wut the hell it was....and .....wait a sec its happening to me right now...brb
If you are reading this then that means I have gone to a better place... yep I am on the toilet.
If you sprinkle when you tinkle please be neat and wipe the seat!
If you tinkle when you sprinkle please be neat and whipe the seat. I'm in the bathroom ... brb
If your happy and you know it crap your pants.....oops I meant clap your hands!
im in sleep mode...zzz...
Im in the crapper!!! bbl
im not here now, im off stopping the killer monkey revolt!!!!!!
In about 5 minutes I will weigh about 5 pounds less than I do right now.
In the bathroom doing my biz ... hit me up.
In the shower gettin squeaky clean!
It's "Potty Time."
It's a truth we must remember, it's a fact as sure as fate. There are some things that can't be hurried and some things that just can't wait. In case you didn't get the message I'm in the bathroom.
It's my potty and I'll pee if I want to!!!
It's raining! Oh, nevermind that's just the shower.
It's that time of the month again.... Shower time in our house!
Its that time of the week again.. I'm in the shower.
King (or Queen) (your name) is on the throne.
Launching a rocketship is like taking a crap, the rocket flies into space, then gets sucked in by a black hole.
Lay off me, I'm starving! - Chris Farley
Making a sacrifice to the toilet god.
Making an offering to the porcelain god.
Making Apple Juice the human way :-P.
Making big waves in the toilet.
Making brownies.
Making Hershey Kisses. (Harvey Swanson)
Making it rain in Toiletville.
Making my bladder flatter.
Making My Bladder Gladder :o)
Making my bladder gladder, beotch!
Making my mouth fresh and so clean.
Making waves in the toilet.
Man I need to lose weight I am ssssoooo fat that I weigh 55pounds and I am 1and a female .Isn??t that sad but I know you want me don??t worry I am going to the bathroom and will weight 9pounds when I done!
maybe something nice, long, hot, and all wet will make me feel better. a shower you sickos
Monkey C Monkey Dew Well I don't C But I go Dew
Monkey See, monkey do, and I just saw monkey take a poo.
My bladder is about to explode! BRB
My butt and the toilet are having a serious conversation
My constipation medicine has now worn out. Let me sit on the pot for an hour. Be back when I'm not constipated!!!
My dad says he needs me in the bathroom to take care of some plumbing issues??whatever that means?
My stocks of quilted bathroom tissue are depleated. Come let us journey to the warehouse retailer.
My toilet's favorite food is chocolate and right now I'm feeding it some.
My toilet's hungry. I'll go feed it some chocolate and lemonade.
My tummy's full so I'm emptying it.
Nature called...HEY! How did it get my number? O well, brb!
Nature is calling....and I'm answering!!
Nature's on the phone! Be back in a sec..maybe more..
Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages.
Niagra Falls is calling my name!!!
No job is finished until the paperwork is done. In the bathroom, leave me one!
O0o0o who lives in a pineapple under the sea?........Spongebob SquarepantsWho left their computer because they had to pee? ...........(your name)
Omg I had way way too much coke and well, you can just guess the rest...
On the potty, if I'm not back in 5 minutes, I fell in.
One turd, two turd, red turd, blue turd!!!! (To Cat in the Hat)
Oompa looma doobiti doo... Here'z another riddle for u... What do you get when you bother me? This message saying I had to go pee.
Out chasing little boys in the parking lot... be back when i catch one!
Out doing some consulting with my toilet right now.
Parting with my business.
pee (pe), v., peed, peeing, n. Slang. - v.i. 1. to urinate. -n. 2. urine. 3. the act of urinating. [ euphemism for piss] 4. the... You get the idea.
Pee is yellow, dooty is brown, when the sewer brakes, its all over the town.
Playing with my rubber duckie. I'll be back when I'm all clean.
Plop plop fiz fiz oh what a relief it is.
Plop plop, fizz fiiz, oh what a relief it is.....in the bathroom.
poopin...if you didnt want to know you shouldnt have asked
Putting one through the hoop.
Reigning on my throne.
Ridding myself of internal famine.
Riding the porcilien pony.
Ring around the toilet, set your butt upon it, here it comes, here it comes, now it all goes down!!:-D
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I'd rather be shopping than talk to you.
Rub-a dub-dub, there better not be men in my tub.
Rub-a-dub-dub, I'm in the tub...maybe even with three men!
Seeing if there really are 1000 sheets of toilet paper in each roll.
Selecting various food items from our storage for personal consumption.
Sh*t happens... aparently It's happening right now.
Shower Power!
Since I sprinkle when I tinkle, I am being neat and wiping the seat.
Singing in the shower.
Sittin on the Throne, visiting with the Arch Dook
SOMEONE BROKE THE TOILET! Running to 7/11
Sometimes we like it up and down and sometimes we like it back and forth and it only takes about two minutes to do, but it feels great so maybe you should go brush your teeth too.
Somewhere over the toilet.
Sorry but I am confronting the Pharoe to let my little brown people go...gonna take some hard pushing but i think it will all come out ok in the end!
Sorry I am currently downloading to the toilet.
Sorry I'm not here at my computer at the present moment, but I am on the toilet. If you would like to come over and bring me some toilet paper that would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry, I am gone dropping off some friends at the lake!
Sorry... Nature is calling and she's pretty long winded...
Splish, splash, I am taking a bath.
Swish, swish, goes the pee. Plop, plop, goes the poop. I'm in the bathroom!
Taking a pee or maybe a poo,I dont know just what to do,But ill find out when im in there,After I pull down my underwear!
Taking the Browns to the Superbowl
The average person goes to the bathroom 6 times per day. This is one of those times.
The bathroom is a good place to be, When you just drank a gallon of water!
The notorious turtle head is a pokin'. Oh wait there he went.
The rabbit goes nibble, the cow goes moo, the pig goes oink, and I go poo!
There is a place... Like no other place... A place of learning... A place of hope... A place of warmth... A place of security... A place of healing... A place of relaxation... A place of love... And no matter what, a part of you is always left behind. You've guessed it. I'm on the can.
This is meI went to peeWEEE!
Today we are experiencing some massive yellow rainfall and gigantic brown hail stones.
Trying to lose 5 pounds the easy .....I am taking crap be back in a bit!!!
Um.. My stomach hurts so I'm freeing the slaves.. leave one ;)
Umm.. hello.. can somebody please help me.. HELLO!! I'm stuck in the toilet.. PLEASE, somebody.. Um.. okay I think someone is coming!!! HELPPPP!!!
Unloading...
Visiting the greatest nation is the world... Urination.
Waiting for someone to bring me some toilet paper.
Watching my toothbrush make out with my teeth.
Watching the fan go round and round and round and round and round and round and......uto I gotta hurl.
Well, I will be right back I am gonna go pay the water bill really quick like!
Whatever goes in, must come out.
1 cross + 3 nails = 4given
1 Peter 2:3- "...now that you have tasted that the Lord is good."?Kn?w G?D...Cr?v? G?D...??v? G?D?
7 days without prayer makes one weak.
A life without God is hardly a life at all.
At church, maybe where you should be ya think?
B-basic I-instructions B-before L-leaving E-earth
Be an organ donor, give your heart to God.
But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:57
Church, it does a soul good.
Ding Dong Ding Dong... I hear church bells ringing. No I'm not getting married. I am just at church right now.
Every time you say a bitter word Every time something nasty is heard Every time you think something crude Every time someone's being rude If you need something to pull you through Ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?"
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. -John 3:16
Friends don't let friends go to Hell.
God always makes you smile cause he believes in you so always make him smile and believe in Him.
Got Jesus? Because its Hell without Him!
He died for me. I live for Him.
He doesn't love us cuz of who we are, He only loves us cuz of who He is.
I am at church right now. Unlike you I don't want to be consumed by the flames of Hell.
I am so addicted. I started and I can't stop. I think about it every night when I go out. I can't stop doing it. I'm addicted to God!
I believe in "The Big Bang Theory" - God said it and BANG, it happened.
I tell you the truth: It is for your good that I am going away. John 16:7
I'm at God's house.
I'm just a nobody telling everybody about somebody that can change anybody!
It's not what God can do for you but what you can do for God.
Jesus is my homeboy.
Jesus is the way to success... Im out..makin him proud!
Jesus loves the little children all the little children of the world. red yellow black or white there all precious in his sight. jesus loves the little children of the world!!!!!!!!
Jesus Wept
You've got mail." Actually you probably don't but I do.
Checking my email... If I get one from you, I'll be sure to delete it.
Computer: "You've Got Mail!"Blonde goes outside and checks her mailbox.Blonde: "Ugh! Why does it keep saying I have mail when I don't!"
Delete, delete, delete... Deleting all my spam.
Email, email, I hope it's from a female.
Exploring the web....Ahhhhhh, a spider!
Flying through Cyber Space.
Hello, this is the computer. Here I am ... brain the size of a planet, and what does my owner have me doing? ... taking messages on AIM.
Help! I've been caught in this ocean called the world wide web.
Hi this is the computer. My user away, but I'm open for suggestions. ;-)
I am checking/writing email; if you leave me alone I will send you an email.
I am emailing someone, and you could be next.
I was having so much fun surfing the web until I fell in, can you throw me a towel?
I was too lazy to go to the beach so I'm surfing the web instead.
I'm bonding with my computer.
I'm busy surfing, if I'm not back in an hour jump in and find me. It's likely that I drowned in the computer while surfing the web.
I'm checking my e-mail so if you would like to get my attention then email me.
I'm checking my fan mail.
I'm currently catching some surf on the web.
I'm e-mailing all my friends, if you don't receive an e-mail, it's because your not my friend.
I'm in a place far away that never ends and begins everywhere. I'm surfing the web.
I'm reading all of my very important emails. I only have 3,876 new messages left, I'll get back to you when I finish.
I'm sending emails. Hey, you never know you could be the lucky person.
I'm sending messages the old fashioned way. By e-mail.
I'm surfing the web looking for something better to do to than talk to you.
I'm surfing the web. I'll be back when I wipe out!
I'm the spider and I'm on my web having a good time right now.
I'm typing right now but I'll be back in an email!
If people didn't send me so much junk mail I would be here talking to you.
If you think about it, email is more practical than instant messaging, you don't have to be online at the same time as the other person.
Is shopping on the internet a sport?
It's my way or the internet superhighway.
It's tough being so popular, so much email, so little time.
Just because we live in a place that has no water surrounding it does not mean we can't surf on our own turf. That's what the internet is for.
My email is more important than what you have to say.
My email is more important then what you have to say, so don't leave a message.
Online, avoiding the real world.
(your screen name): Why do they make everything that has to do with girls pink?(%n): That's just one of the great mysteries of the universe!Well, I am out gettin my daily dose of pink stuff, be back lata! leave 'em
*~*I aint here so beware cuz i might bite u in yo rear, but when u turn around heck i had ya ear im like mike tyson, drivin around and i aint got no liscense*~*
A cow goes moo, a duck goes quack, this chick says brb!!
A message a day, keeps me away. :-D
Absence make the heart grow fonder...so start getting fonder
Are your eyes going, because I think I see weird things, do you?? ????????
Around, well, actually to be specific, I'm under your bed, tryin to figure out a way to get out of your house and not be caught. leave one, well, on second thought, leave one good, so when you kick my butt, I will remember you left a good message for me.
As you noticed from the post-it note by my name, I'm away. So why are you reading this if you already know??
Attending %n's funeral.
Away, Away, Away, Today!
Be like No Doubt... Don't Speak... Cuz I'm like N`Sync... Gone!
Can you tell this is an away message?
Do not IM me because I have an anger mangement problem right now. If you do you will find me hunting you down and trying to hurt you really bad.
Don't you just hate those away messages that people make that don't tell you where they are?
Drop me a line but make sure you pick it up and clean it off first
EveryOne Has An Away Message...So I Guess I Will Have One Too!
Find Something else to do because obviously i have.
Finding a pair of shoes...this might take a while
Give me a reason to stay and chat or i will go away now
gone (gon), adj. 1. departed; left. 2. lost or hopeless. 3. ruined. 5. that has passed away; dead. 6. past 7. weak and... You get the idea.
GONE CRAZY BE BACK SOON!!!!!!
Gone Crazy. . . back in a few minutes!!!!
hello?..... uh hello..... What? Make your font bigger I can't see it....Ohh you wanted to talk to me? Well, as you can see I'm not here right now. So holla back
Hey %n !I'm around the house (my house not yours or anyone else's) doing something (anything I want) which is more important than talking to you (yes you, the person that is reading this message right here)
Hey %n . I'm away right now. If it's important i'll be back soon. Leave a message after the beep. BbEeEeEeEePpPpPpPp!?!?!?!
Hey %n its %t do you know where I am?????
Hey (Your Name) is unable to come to the computer right now so leave your name, your phone number, your best friend's phone number, your credit card pin number, a hott guy's name and number, and a 4-7 page essay on why I should get back to you first. !!!!THANKS!!!!
Hey I have things to see and people to do so be back later!
Hey I'm away from my computer right now, doing better things. So, if you want leave me a message and wait for me to respond or call me, you know my number!
Hey I'm away right now...duh!..hence the title "away message"!
Hey there %n dont FROWN because I'm gone!! just SMILE cuz I will come back soon just for you!!!
Hey ya mammas callin you, or wait maybe she is callin me, brb
Hey! Guess where I'm not...
Hey, nobody's on so I'm off in Wonderland trying to find friends. Hey, I'm like Alice!
Hi %n, (your name's) computer is broken right now. This is the fridge. Now, you can leave a message, but say it slowly, so I can write it on a post-it note and stick it to myself.
Hi everyone!I'm out shopping with all of my money right now! NOT! What I have just told you can not be true because I am FLAT BROKE
Hi I'm not here right now but if you want to get your lazy but up and use the modern invention called the telephone, CALL ME!
Hi this is (your sn). Sorry I am not able to come to the computer right now. If you would like to leave a message then leave it after the beep.Thank you. *BEEP*
Hi! I'm helping some aliens save thier planet right now. I'll be back when I'm finished defeating the evil monsters.
Hi, I'm sorry im not here right now to take your message. If youd like to leave a message please press 2, then 4, then 345 then type ?.??z-??????????
How come you only talk to me when my away message is on?
I am away from my computer right now, but to all my fans who get online with the sole purpose of talking to me, I deeply apologize and regret this grueling situation for the both of us.
I am away right now so if you really need me call 1-800-BRB.
I am away trying to drown my fish in the dead sea right now. be back as soon as it's dead
I am currently alphabetizing my M&M's....I'll get back with you when I am done!
I am hiding from my computer right now.
I am not getting off until %n signs off!!
I am not here right now, but if you yell at your monitor very loudly, I may be able to hear you, and if not, it?s still good therapy...
I am out watching an artificial plant grow.....
I couldn't think of a good away message so I just stole this one off the internet
I don't know where I am. . . but I'm there : D
I fell out of my chair. This might take a while....
I hate those people who will search the whole room looking for a remote but are too lazy to get up and change the channel manually. Just as I?m too lazy to get off the couch to talk to you right now.
I have a secret to tell you... I'm away from my computer right now.
I have an away message up. Think about it.
I have places to go ppl to see things to do and unfortunalty no time to talk to %n! sry
I left. I don't know where I am. Do you know where I am? Do you know where you are? Are you lost? Did you find you? I found you. You're there at your computer. But I'm not here. So then I guess I'm over there some where.
I left. I don't know where I am. Do you know where I am? Do you know where you are? I found you. You're there at your computer. But I'm not. I must be over there somewhere.
I love the fishes cause they're so delicious! I'm gone goldfishin!
I regret to inform you that I am presently not adjacent to my personal central processing unit. I am currently pondering about the dubiousness?s of our existence. My mind is astray when questioning these inquiries so it would be to your best certainty to leave a communication. This act will most conceivably assure a response on my part. Fittingly, until I venture back to my Pentium processor I ensure that my presence will not be too yearned for. (For you idiots...I?m not here, leave a message)
I wanna be like everyone else.....away except my away message is better! BBL
I will be back later... at the moment I am walking my fish!
I'll be back right after these messages from our sponsers
I'll be back when I can get the playdough out of my braces
I'll brb I have to actually use my computer for something other than AIM.
I'm at the Banana Republic! Askin a sales person for the produce section! leave a message HOLLA!
I'm away drowning my fish...I'll be back when I'm done.
I'm away from my desk right now. I'm not too far from it though. So if you yell really loud into your monitor I might be able to hear you!...If not, I'll be right back.
I'm Away in a far away land somewherez!
I'm away now what are your other two wishes?
I'm away right now, if I wanted to talk I'd be here, wouldn't I?
I'm away right now, searching for my mind. I was told it was lost.
I'm away, sorry, I can't please everybody.
I'm away. You're aware of this right?
I'm away....DUH
I'm bored, your boring, so don't leave a message.
I'm busy planning to be spontaneous!
I'm cute...I'm hot...I have a life, get tha picture???...Just leave a message...ok?!
I'm doing this and that at the moment..
I'm kinda indisposed at the moment.
I'm knocking on heavens door.. *voice in background* Knocking? You very nearly broke the bloody thing down!! *me* That wasnt my fault!!! It was poor constrution..... I SWEAR!! Dont look at me like that...
I'm lost in thought and seeing if it is unfamiliar territory I might be gone for a while.
I'm not here.. I have a life. hahah, ok.. that was funny. I'll bbl.
I'm not sure why I put this up; Away Messages are useless ppl like %n still IM me.
I'm out I'm aboutI'm makin out. So leave me a shout And dont pout I'll get back to you without a doubt
I'm out saving the world from people like you.
I'm out, I don't know when I'll be back, but if I had to guess, I'd say about 10 minutes from %t
I'm playing with the little yellow lines in the middle of the road. I'll be back when I'm done.
I'm practicing for the talent show!Not that I have any, but you know...
I'm so fine u no the deal.......even ja rule sayz im real.......so leave me a msg. n i'll get back to you lata
I'm sorry but the but the person you are talking to has been abducted by the government....he will return shortly.
I'm sorry I have died and gone to hell. You can come and visit me if you want. Thanks for stopping by.....bye now.
I'm temporarily distracted by a shiny object
I'm tryin to find my way to the end of the rainbow
I'm trying to break the world record of how many messages I can receive while being away.
I'm walking around the world brb in 50 years
I'm watchin' da grass grow...
I'm watching the thing that shows movies and shows on it. Whats that thing called again?? OH YEAH!! The T.V. bbl.
I've gone to find myself, and if I get back before I return, keep me here!
If I don't care where I am, why should you?
If I were to never come back...would you go out and look for me?
If I'm away then why did you IM me???
If I'm Not Back In 5 Mins ... Just Wait Longer
If somebody told you that I was just an average kid... Somebody lied. If somebody told you I was away... somebody told you the truth.
If you actually IM me because you see a little yellow notepad next to my name...you have a problem
If you are my friend hit 1 - If you like me more than a friend hit 2 - If you want my numba one hit 3 - If you want me to talk to you, I'll bbl!
Im away from the computer rigt now... so stop IM'ing me or else you will have a whole screen with your own IM's.
Im not away right now, I just like the little yellow pad beside my name for looks.
Im out..Hit me up on the cell.. but not to hard I dont want you to break it
Insanity is a gift some little green men gave me... right now I am trying to give it back
It's amazing how away messages become a part of our lives. I'm sure that you saw that little yellow note by my name and decided to read it, expecting to find out just where I am and exactly what I'm doing. But do you REALLY care? Probably not, because how often do you bother to leave me messages when I'm away? So basically, just be satisfied knowing that I'm not anywhere near my computer right now. Ciao.
It's getting hot in here....so I am chillin somewhere else!
It's raining! It's pouring! You are really boring! So I am gone, but not for long! Don't have a fit! I'll be back in a bit!
Just a quick apology for you having to have a one-sided conversation with my computer
knock knock; Don't you see the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door?
Let's talk about rights and lefts...you're right, I left.
Like awesome! Like WOW! Like I'm not here right now!
Like totally, for sure! I just got a manicure. The sun, i swear, its bleaching down my gorgeous hair! 24-34 I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE SCORE! go-go-fight-fight... gee, I hope I look alright! DATE TONIGHT! LEAVE ONE
Look...I understand you need to talk to me...and you see I'm away...so I'll tell you this.....THERE'S A NEW INVENTION! IT'S CALLED THE TELEPHONE! YOU SEE I'M AWAY BUT YOU IM ME WTF IS WRONG WITH U?... So any way I'll be back bye! :-)
Maybe I'm not here. Maybe I am here, and I'm just waiting to see what you type when you think I'm gone. Maybe this whole away message is just a cruel mind game. Maybe not.
ME not here, Me go bye, You leave Message, me Reply
My away message is typed here.
My Braces Are Stuck To The Carpet...Wait I forgot, I don't have braces! Be right back when I find out why I'm stuck to the carpet.
My Father just lost his job, I found out my mother's having an affair, my cat is drooling uncontrollably, and YOU....... %n ............ wonder why I'm not here!
My fish drowned, bbl.
NO COMMENT
Not here, not gonna be here, gone.
NOW you come online! Well its too late~
Obviously not here ;)...
*munch* *munch* Mi mam meating mome mood might mow, mo moo mould me mise mo mot mahther meh. Mank Moo. *munch* *munch*
*munch*munch* I'm eating. Leave a message and I'll talk to you later. *BurP!*
A very long time ago, hunger drove man crazy. Today it has driven me away from my computer...
Can't talk, I have to masticate.
Cleaning out the refrigerator with my mouth.
College food....Mmm Mmm PUKE!!!
Consuming food.
Damn I'm hungarian
Did I Eat Today?
Did you ever realize that whenever people tell you they are on a diet they are eating or getting ready to eat? Be Right Back, I'm On a Diet....
Directions: Pour milk, Devour, Repeat. (Go ahead, bond with your breakfast)
Don't bother me..... I'm eating.
Don't let hunger happen to you.
Dr. Pepper does make the world taste better! I should know! I just sprinkled some on the floor and BOY does it taste good!!!!
eat (Et), v.t. 1. to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment; chew and swallow (food). 2. to consume gradually; wear away; corrode. 3. to ravage or devastate. 4. to make, as by gnawing... you get the idea, ttyl buh byes
Eat Spam Before It Eats YOU...
Eating dinner... Leave me something sweet for dessert.
Eating is an art and I'm Picasso... Excuse me while I go make a masterpiece.
Eating... because fat kids are harder to kidnap.
Exercising my taste buds.
Expanding my stomach.
Experimenting with the stove.
Fat people gettin' happy.
Feedin my face, But not at this place, Leave a message, Or I will erase!
Filling My Tummy With Something Very Yummy...
Filling up my tummy.
Food is good Food is great Give me food and win a date!
Food is good Food is great If you ask I'll save you a plate.
Food is like gasoline. People are like cars. Gasoline fuels cars. Food fuels people. I'm refueling right now.
Food makes life mmmmm mmmmm better!
Food, God's most precious gift to all who love to eat.
Food, it does the body good.
Food, the finial frontier
Food...Git in ma belly!
Gettin friendly with Mr. Atkins. I'm eating - Leave me a message!
Getting fatter!!haha
Getting high on Moutain Dew.....DO THE DEWCaution: THIS WILL MAKE ME EXTREMLY HYPER!
God is good, god is great, We thank him for the food, food on our plate, If I don't eat, eat it soon, I'll hit my brother, with a spoon.
God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for this food.
Gone hungry be back soon!
Hey %n.. im away eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner. its %t, your smart, so you can figure out which one it is.
Hey I?m eating my food....(Bread and water) that?s all they feed me in this damn place... Be back soon... Don't leave %n!
Hey, I just ran out to get something to eat, so wait for me, I'll brb!
Hey, I'm cooking right now so if I don't burn down the house I'll be right back.
Hey.....Whats your Favorite foodA.PizzaB.Saladc.CerealD.Orange Juice*~If you picked*D* you must be stupid because orange juice is not a food.*Out getting food, later*
Hi, I went out to dinner with the fam. Be back in a couple hours.
Hunger has driven man to insanity, today it has driven me from my computer.
Hunger struck, be back when the fridge is empty.
Hungrier than you!
Hunting for food.
I am at my refrigerating unit...
I am away "trying" to cook some food! If I'm not back in 30minutes, dial 911!
I am either eating food, staring at food, poking my food, playing with my food, cooking food or throwing food.
I am either...eating food, watching food, poking food, playing with my food, staring intently @ my food, shoving things in my mouth (most likely food), throwing food, cooking food, making food, or enjoying food
I am hungry but there is no food in this house so I am just gonna eat wut ever is under the compter...mmmmmmmmmmm an old used sock!!!!!!!!
I am in the kitchen "trying" to cook...If I do not return in approximently 30 mintues, may your intentions be to call 9-1-1! Thank you!
I am not at the computer right now because my fingers too greasy to type with.
i am not eating what you think i am eating out a person and that person is not you!!!!!!!!
I am not here right now but please leave a message after the my burp.B....U....R....P!
I am on a seafood diet right now, when I see food, I eat it.
I am replenishing the nutritional supplements my body needs to maintain homeostasis and keep an adequate energy balance.
I am single handily trying to free the world of hunger,starting with myself.
I can't hear you over my stomach.
I can't talk to you when my mouth is full.
I could give up on junk food, but I'm not a quitter.
I eat therefore I am.
I feel like an Ethiopian...so im gonna go eat some food
I got the munchies so leave me one.
I got the munchies.
I got this disease called hunger.
I heard my stomach growling and I got scared so I'm giving it what it wants.
I know you are dying to talk to me, but I am refueling myself so I will have the energy to listen.
I love animals..... With potatoes and brown gravy.
I only goo too skool to et mi lunc...sooo aftur 1200 Il bee bak...
I smell bacon I smell pork Run little piggy! I have a fork!
I want chicken, I want liver , meow mix meow mix please deliver!!
I will be back in a bite, opps I mean bit.
I wish I had a brown cow so I could make some chocolate milk...
I would talk to you but my mom told me never to talk wih my mouth full.
i'm a slaaaave for food
I'm an evil poptart [::] i'm out collecting sprinkles for my breakfasty self.
I'm as hungry as homer on a hunger strike! bbl
I'm away eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner. If you're smart, you'll figure out which one it is.
I'm away getting fat! the way i see it, if I get fat at least i'm happy! I can eat Whatever I WANT! leave a message
I'm away right now stuffing my face...but ohh no, whats this?... my pet bubble just ran away with my food. grrr! I shoulda known he would be trouble. i'll be back when i've finished running the little fartnipper over with my barbie car.
I'm doing that thing. You know, the one where you pick the food up, put it in your mouth, swallow it, then repeat the process until the stomach hurts.
I'm eating a magical substance that gives me energy and helps to sustain life.
I'm eating breakfast, lunch or dinner. If ur smart u'll know which 1 it is!Leave a message and i'll get bac 2 ya!
I'm eating food... cause food is good...it gives me energy to do stuff... and stuff is good... so yeah- that's why I eat...
I'm eating right now, so please leave a message after the sound of my burp. BUUUURRRRRRPPP!
I'm eating the 5th most important meal of the day.
I'm eating! Leave me alone!
I'm filling my tummy with something yummy.....yum yum yum....be back when it's filled up!
I'm getting my tummy refill right now, I will be back when it is full.
I'm going to stop the noise that's comming out of my tummy.
I'm in the mood for some food.
I'm not allowed to eat at my computer.
I'm on a quest, it involves me, the kitchen, and possibly some utensils. As you may have guess I'm hungry, and if you try to come in the way of my unlofty goal I will bludgeon you with a blunt object.
I'm single-handily trying to free the world of hunger, starting with myself.
I'm so hungry I think my stomach is eating itself.
I'm stuck in the fridge... But there's no need to send help, there's plenty of food and water in here.
I'm stuffing my face.
I'm watching a really boring cooking show... Oh wait, that's the microwave.
I've got the munchies so I'll be back n* a few!
I?m burning down the house, a.k.a: making dinner.
If im not back in 5 minutes, then I probably died of starvation.
If only men could be as satisfying as chocolate.
If there was a god we wouldn't put the refigerator down stairs.
If you eat right, exercise, and sleep well, you still die. Therefore I am ignoring all of that and pigging out.
If you think about it, you eat to live and you live to eat.
If you were food ........ I'd be eating you right now.
Im at the Deli...If you want something come and find me.
im beginig to look like an ethiopean, only w/ out aids. leave a few while i eat.
Im getting something very yummy put into my tummy! ;-)
In the mouth and through the gums, watch out tummy here it comes.
In the olden days they used to call it supper.
It's time for my daily candy hunt....I'll be back soon... AND I WILL FIND SOME!
It's true? Dr. Pepper does make the world taste better! I should know! I just sprinkled some on the floor and BOY does it taste good!!!!
Kitchen+cooking= dialing 9-1-1
Leave me alone, so what if I masticate all the time. It's natural.
Lego my Ego!!!!!!!!I'm eating a waffle stupid!
Like most normal people: I am eating food.
Like the wild buffalo grazing the midwest plains I too need some food
McDonalds Clerk: Welcome to McDonalds. How may I help you? - %n: I'd like a large fry and a coke to go. - McDonalds Clerk: That will be $4.79. Please drive around.
MmMmMmMmmm MmMmMmMmMmmmm Grubbin!
My dog is growling... I don't have a dog, that's my stomach.
My hand is frozen to the hot pockets in the freezer. The ice cube tray must have spilled again.
My mom told me never to talk with food in my mouth! ;)
My mother told me never to type with my mouth full.
My refrigerator is running, so I've gone to catch it!
My stomach is calling me to the kitchen. Brb!
My stomach is growling and I'm answering.
My stomach is talkin... and i'm answerin it!
My stomach was crying and grumbling and it was making me guilty so, I went to the fridge to cheer it up.
My tumbly is a rumbly.
My tummy was growling at me, and I thought it was mad... So I went to go get it some food to cheer it up.
OMG, it's a hot... steamy... delicious... sandwich! I'm eating, bbl.
Over the lips through the gums look out tummy here it comes. I'm eating, so leave me alone.
Popcorn,Candy,Soda n Fries I know I know straight to my thighs
Putting some yummy in my tummy.
Raiding the fridge.
Refueling myself.
Rose are red Violets are blue I'd rather be eating Than talk to you
Rub a dub dub, I'm cookin' up some grub.
Rub a dub dub, I'm gettin some grub.
Screw Eating Lucky Charms, I'm Already Magically Delicious! :) Breakfast, bbl.
Snack attack!
...friends stab you in the back...boyfriends stab you in the heart...but BEST friends don't carry knives!
100 memories, 200 jokes, 300 great times, 400 secrets... 1 reason -- Best Friends
A best friend is like a bra... supportive, close to your heart, and hard to find
A circle is round and has no end. That's how long I want to be your friend!
A friend is someone who walks in when the whole world walked out, and you just walked in.
A friend is the first one to walk in when the world walks out.
A good friend will bail you out of jail ---> while a best friend will be right beside you goin' that was freakin awesome
A good friend will come bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "That was awsome." Friendship isn't about who you knew the longest, it's about who never left your side.
A good friend will pick you up when you fall; but a best friend will help you up, laugh and trip you again.
A memory last forever, never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good-bye.
A memory lasts 4ever. Never shall it part, A memory stays 4ever, always within the heart
A memory lasts forever and never does it die! True friends stay together and never say goodbye!
A shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend, money to borrow, clothes to lend, Friday night hangouts, afternoon walks, 2am phone calls, private talks, memories together will never end, always and forever best friends!
A true friend reaches out for your hand and ends up touching your heart.
All for one, and one for all, that's what friends are for.
Always remember to forget, the friends that have failed to be true. And never forget to remember, the friends that have always been true.
As long as we have memories yesterday remains, as long as we have hope tomorrow still awaits, as long as we have friendship each day is never a waste...
As we go on we remember all the times we had together and as our lives change come what may, but we will still be Friends Forever
Cross your heart & hope to die, Clothes, make-up, boys, and lies, Forever there until the end, The definition of...True Best Friends
Don't walk behind me...I may not lead.Don't walk in front of me...I may not follow.Walk beside me and be my friend
Dreams may change but friends are forever.
Forget me not. Forget me never. And we'll be friends. Forever and ever.
Friends are like bras: Close to your heart and all about support
Friends are like clovers, herd to find and lucky to have.
Friends are like gold. Each one is rich and they all last a lifetime.
Friends are like stars, they come and go... but the ones that stay are the ones that glow
Friends are like stars. Even though you can't always see them, they're always there.
Friends are like the oceans waves. The emotions go up and down.
Friends are people who you trust friends are people who trust you friends are who everyone should have or at least everyone should have that one special friend and I know that my one special friend is you.
Friends are quiet angels that lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
Friends are suppose to trust you with the things they tell you. Then why don't they tell you those things that you are suppose to be trusted with?
Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookie of life.
Friends are the siblings God never gave us.
Friends are what makes the world go round so keep enough to have the circle of life.
Friendship is something you don't learn in school, but if you don't know the meaning of friendship you haven't really learned anything
Friendships may be like the seasons, blowing hot and cold, ever-changing, but always needed whatever the weather.
Good friends are like diamonds, precious and rare.
Good friends are like stars. They will always be with you, no matter how far away you may be.
Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
Hilarious Days and Crazy Nights Talking about our Boys and pillow fights Through thick and thin and always true Where would I be without you?
I am with hanging out with those people who talk to me, play with me and spend time with me. I call them my friends.
I believe in angels. The ones God sends from heaven. But I just call them my friends.
I live for the nights I'll never remember with the friends I'll never forget.
I'll always be beside you until the very end, wiping all your tears away, being your best friend. I'll smile when you smile and feel all the pain you do, and if you cry a single tear I promise you I'll cry too.
I'm out with my friends right now, but wait.... If I'm out with my friends and your home talking to me on the computer.... think about that ok?
If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I would be at the bottom to catch them.
In life there are no strangers... only friends we haven't met.
Life comes and goes... some friends stay, some friends friends go, and some become your worst enemies.
Make new friends but keep the old ones; one is silver and the other's gold.
Making friends takes a moment, but being a friend takes a life time.
Mess with my friends you messin with me tryin to touch them then you'll see how fast I'll make your life a livin hell cuz I'd give my life for these girls and take yours as well
No matter where you go or what you become never forget your friends.
Of all the friends I've ever met, you're the one I won't forget, and if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
On eBay looking for a friend...they have good deals you know!
People say that good friends are hard to find, but that's because the best are already mine.
Smiles and tears, giggles and laughs, Late night calls, cute photographs, I?ll be there for you till the day of my death, Best gurlz 4ever, till my very last breath
Some friends come and some friends go but me and my friends... Our friendships will grow.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never ever the same.
Sometimes I wish I had more friends like %n... don't you?
Stay with me, I'll stay with you and we'll be friends, through and through.
The best times are when you're with your friends... so stop wasting your time waiting for someone to talk to you and go have fun...with your friends...
The only way to have a friend is to be one
The sad truth, people with lots of friends are liked the most, but people with no friends...want to be liked the most
The worst pain is when someone you know turns into someone you knew.
There are no strangers... Only friends we haven't met.
True friends are like Chinese take out, they are; depenable, enjoyable, and just a phone call away.
True friends are the ones who walk in when the rest of the world walks out!
True friends don't stand beside you when things get hard. They carry you because you no longer have the strength to go on and can no longer see the end of the tunnel.
True friends grow separately without growing apart.
True friends stay together through thick and thin, through all the rumors and the grins, through all the pain and all the tears; true friends are there throughout the years.
I am on a quest to the deepest darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for a may not return alive.
You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
"Dude, where's my car? Where's your car dude? Seriously dude, where's my car? I dunno dude, where's your car? Dude, I think I lost my car, this may take a while!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH dude, ostriches are attacking your car,oh cheeznack get the hell off it you llamas!!!!
"today we salute you, stressed out college student during exam week. as you sit in your lonely cubical in the library, doped up on starbucks & aderol, you think to yourself, am i ever going to need to know this sh!t in life? the distractions are tempting and you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage, i'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times. christmas break is just days away, and your prozac prescription will be in tomorrow. so crack open an ice cold bud light after that last exam, because for most of us, christmas will be spent in rehab..."
%n has just recieved the Amish computer virus. Since the Amish do not have computers, it is based strictly on the honor system. Please delete all files on your computer. Thank you for your cooperation.
%n My Friend Visited Another Galaxy,and All l Got Was This Away Message !O:-):-D:-P:-D:-P
*POOF*^ Just Like that I'm gone ~!
10 Reasons to Date a Hockey Player
1. They always wear protection
2. They have great hands
3. They are used to scoring
4. They have great stamina
5. They find the opening and get it in
6. They never miss the target
7. They know how to use their wood
8. They have long sticks
9.They know when to play rough
10. Because baseball players only know how to hit balls.
668-9911.......... thats the # to my eye doctor's office, because you can't see the YELLOW note pad in front of my s/n
84.1% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
:-) :-) I smile because I don't know what's going on :-) :-)
? OuT oF mY mInD! Be BaCk In 5!?
A day without sunshine is like... night.
A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this? A joke?"
A rejected invention:Instant water! just add water!
A wise monkey never messes with another monkey's monkey.
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! My house is on fire!!! Must....save....computer.... kinda preoccupied at the moment, please leave message, oh yeah, and call 911, must....save......computer......
Ahhh I'm running after the bad guy who took my pack of Skittles..... I worked hard for that pack..... Ahhh he's eating them!!! Now he's throwing them at me.... Call 911!!!
Alright 10% done. Now 20. Wow, I can't wait..... Wait it stopped...HEY! Why did you send me a message? I was waiting for that naked picture of Jennifer Lopez !
Am I here? I'm not sure. Leave a message and I might get back to you.
An error has occured in trying to IM (your sn) please restart your computer and try again
An Error Occurred. File inaccessible
Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a sh*tty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pulla hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Are you mad at me? If not, press Alt+F4.
Are you too gullible? We can cure you! Send $1,000 to...
At last! My plans for world domination are complete! MAHAHAHAA? Oh look, something shiney?
Attention! Attention %n ! This is a National alert. Food was spilled from the cat bowl. We've sent out clean up teams to correct this mess. Hopefully we can do something about it. Before it's too late!
Away messages are stupid dont ask me why I have this stupid away message up? Well I dunno give me a good away message and I'll think about putting it up here...i'm wating...
Back in my day, we had to walk 5 miles in the snow to tell people we were away from our computers.
Be right back, thinking of an away message.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, youre a mile away and you have their shoes. See ya when i get back......
Behold the mighty...chihuahua?
Beware of the little green men in pink tights. They run fast and can jump out of nowhere. I am running away from them right now.
Bored? Go to bored.com
BrB, thinking of an away message.
Busy polking my neighbor with a spork. be back soon shes really old and wrinkly this is fun muahahaha
Chase a squirrel cause trees need hugs!
Checking away messages. It's like stalking, but no one knows you are doing it. I even have people's names on my buddy list that I don't know, but I hear they have really good away messages. Some people really put their all into away messages. There are the people who document their every move: "I am taking a shower, but when I get out, I am going to pee, shave, and then iron my pants. Call me if you need me before I go to the mall at 2pm." Then there's the creative one: "I am away from my computer right now." And of course there's that one from the really cool guy: "Yo its friday night, I am drunk, and not sittin up lookin at away messages" Funny how that guy never seems to go idle.
Confusius say: Man who eat jelly beans fart in technicolor
Congratulations! You've qualified for the platinum card! To collect your prize please hold the line for the next available operator!
CRIPLE FIGHT!!! - South Park
Dance my little puppets, Dance! - God
Did anyone ever ask you if your fridge was running? Well someone just asked me, and now I'm running down the street trying to catch it. Be back as soon as I catch it and drag it back to my house. :-)
Did you hear the joke about the guy who tried messaging %n, but all they got was an away message?
Did you hear the story about the guy who tried IMing another person and but all he got was an away message?
Did you know by reading this message you have wasted 14 seconds of your life?
Do do? do do? do do do do do do do do do do do do - I'm a shark :)
Do I know you?
Do NoT Type like Tis... It MaKeS you LoOk ReT@RdEd.
Do Re Me Beer Dough: The stuff that buys me beer Ray: The guy who sells me beer Me: The one who drinks the beer Far: a long run to get the beer So: .I'll have another beer La: .I'll have another beer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find lumps of partially dissolved cocnut powder in Antarctica?
Do you yahoo? I sure as hell don't. -leave a msg
Doing something, none of your business, stop IM'ing me!I said stop! Geez, bbl!
Don't ever attempt a staring contenst with a brick wall, they cheat a lot
Don't hate me cause im beautiful, hate me cause ur boyfriend thinks I am
Don't make me mad......I'm known to bite at random!!!
Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls.
Don't Worry!, I don't know where I am either.
Don't you get so annoyed when people leave away messages? I mean, if they're away, why don't they just sign off? Stupid people.
Don't you hate it when people leave away messages that don't tell where they are or when they'll be back? Hi, this is No One, and No One is here right now, so No One will be back soon.
Don't you love the way when you stop at a red light and it turns green....you just go?
Dont trip....Or you'll fall for me! =)
Dr. Seuss' lost tounge twister
see if you can do this:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top. Betcha you can't resist passing it on.
Email me at (email address) while I'm away with all emails including love letters and death threats...why is it I always get more death threats than love letters (c'mon people spread the love)
Error 405: Reality.sys corrupted. Universe halted. Reboot (y/n)?
Everyone always has those special, thoughtful, crackup, cleaver away messages that make you laugh or think so hard you are tempted to take it and use it for your own. This is mine. Be back later...
Feeding my pet old person right now...be back later!
Fire ants don't make good pets. If they have a bad day they take it out on you, it's really self centred of them
Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster.
-Warning label on a fax machine
Firstly, I am always right. In the event I'm wrong, see rule one
Following the yellow brick road......Damn munchkins!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.
Gettin arrested, back in a few years
Getting a tattoo on my butt that says "I Love %n"
Girls are like computers, they like to be turned on!!!
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Gone to watch %n through their window.
Ground Rules: Don't touch me, Don't stare at me, Don't talk to me
Hang on, on the phone to tech support. These guys are so funny - just keep saying, "I'm sorry, I don't understand" and they get really mad :P
Has your mind ever just gone blank? Well sometimes that happens to me and...WHAT? What was I talking about? My mind just went blank.
Have no fear, I'm not here.
Having a staring contest with my wall... *BLINK* "dammit!!!!!"
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Heaven doesn't want me... But Hell's afraid I'll take over!
hello %n, im a little busy, if it's an emergency, call 911
Hello little %n. I've got candy if you'll get into my van
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Hello, you have reached %n's away message, your message will be answered to in the order in which it was recieved, your message is number 1,645,845 , please hold, your message is important to me.
Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for YOUR SCREEN NAME , your message will be answered to in the order in which it was recieved, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to me.
Hello. You have reached The Autopsy-IM. If you are already cut open, Press 1.If you are ordering a new body, Press 2.If you are ordering a cut body, Press 3.If you are picking up a body, Press 4.If you chose none of the options above, please stay on the IM. You will soon be tracked down and picked up in a nice cozy black 'sleeping-bag'.Have a nice day and thank you for choosing Autopsy IM!
Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message.
Hello. You have reached YOUR SCREEN NAME. If you wish to talk to me, IM me several hundred times until you get a response.
HELP ME!!!!! I'M BEING CHASED BY A KILLER AFLAC DUCK. QUACK. HELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP
Help! I've fallen and can't reach my mouse!
Help!ican'tfindthespacebar
Hey %n I am not at my computer right now cause while I was away my computer ran away, so I am chaseing it right now. If you see me go past your house running after a computer, put up this away message and come and help me!
hey %n I'm not here right now because my internet got disconnected...
hey %n I've got candy. Get into my van.
Hey %n! Sorry but I'm kinda busy lookin in your window. Talk to me when I get back to my computer.
Hey %n, if I wanted to hear from an asshole right now then I would have farted!
Hey everyone, I'm not here right now so if you would leave your reason for IM'ing me when you saw that I had an away message up, I will get back to you as soon as possible...
Hey I'll be back in 5 minutes but if I'm not just read this away message again.
Hey I'll be back when the time reaches 6:66 not to sure when that will be but I will be back whenever it happens I have been here for 3 days now and still no hope for the time, but I promise i'll be back whenever it reaches 6:66
Hey! What are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen someone pick their nose before? Geez...give me some privacy
Hey, did you hear that joke about the cat and the girl ?...... Yeah that was a great joke!
Hey, I don't know why this Away Message is on right now I just put it on. Good bye
Hey, I'm having a party right now! We have a DJ who rocks the house, a dance floor, plenty of food, and all the kewl people. If you IMing me, obivously you weren't invited!
Hey, I'm not here right now but if you see %n, tell them I found their missing underwear
Hey, just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
Hey...I'd loved to chat and all, but I'm too busy chasing the furry little men around my room....
Hi, (YOUR NAME HERE) is not here right now, but I'll be happy to provide you with a one sided conversation with his/her computer.
Hi. This is (YOUR SCREEN NAME)'s computer...he/she is away, but I'm open for suggestions!
Hi... Now you say something !!:-D8-):-P
Hold on I have a big booger hanging in my nose. I will get back to you when I am done picking it.
How about you leave me a message and I ignore you? Sound good?
How can you keep an idiot busy? Click Here to find out...
How do blind people find those dots for reading when they don't know where it is?
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you...
How do you kill a purple elephant? Use a purple elephant gun. How do you kill a gray elephant? Strangle it until it turns purple and then shoot it with the purple elephant gun.
I ' m a l i t t l e s p a c e d o u t r i g h t n o w , b e b a c k w h e n I ' m a l l together!
I am an evil poptart [::]! I am out collecting sprinkles for my breakfasty self.
I am at my th-peech impediment cla-th. Learning how to get rid of my li-th-p.
I am away right now, so please leave your name, number, and a message, after you hear the tone...
I am just putting this away message because everyone else is doing it.
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!
I am not currently available right now. However, if you would like to be transfered to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality:
-If you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly.
-If you are codependant, please ask someone to press "2".
-If you have multiple personalitites, please press "3", "4", and "5".
-If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
-If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.
I am not here at the moment please leave a message after the beep. shut the *BEEP* up!
I am not here because I am engaged in a game of hide-and-go-seek with my imaginary friend. I will be back as soon as he finds me. Do not count on me being back soon, because it's hard for me to imagine him finding me because I'm such a good hider.
I am not here but if you would like to leave a message on my voice mail Press F1 then f8 and enter 13 times!!Thankz
I am on a quest to the deepest darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for a may not return alive.
I am right 90% of the time. So why worry about the other 3%?
I am spinning in my computer chair, getting all dizy. Send a message to make this mayhem stop!
I am suffering from a severe case amnesia. I am suffering from a severe case of amnesia. I am suffering from a severe case of amnesia...
I am the away message who is supposed to entertain you while this dumb person is gone.
I can talk right now cuz I'm in Afghanistan playing don't drop the hand grenade with Usama Bin Laden.
I did what they say and chose the road less traveled.... Now where the heck am I?
I do what cheerios tell me.
I don't pay you to think hot lips...in fact I don't pay you at all...COUNT IT! -Peter Griffin-
I don't suffer from addiction to Billie Joe Armstrong........i enjoy every second of it!
....im off watching him on tv, I think my face is glued to the screen. this might take a while...........
I dropped my keyboard when I find it I'll get back to you.
I fell out of my chair... this could take awhile.
I hate it when someone asks me "If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" So, I'm on my way to go jump off a bridge because I wanted to be a trend setter and jump off the bridge first. I won't be jumping just because everyone else did!
I hate short away messages.
I have a secret to tell you... I'm away from my computer right now.
I have been temporarily distracted by a shiny object.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I just farted and it stinks so I'm going to be away from the computer until the stench goes away.
I just fell off my keyboard while surfing the web, I'll be right back.
I just finished hanging a poster of %n over my bed, and now I am just praying that it will fall down on top of me.
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
I m a l i t t l e s p a c e d a t t h e m o m e n t b e b a c k w h e n i c a n p u l l m y s e l f b a c k t o g e t h e r
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other, and when I am alone I am together.
I need to feed my pet leprechaun, so I can get the gold at the end of the rainbow, so just sit back and relax...This may take a while.....
I obviously have an away message up because I am ignoring you so why dont you give me a break and just leave me the hell alone!!! Thanks have a nice day.
I put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'.
I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over him again.
I smile because I don't know what's going on :)
I still miss my ex, but I'm getting better at AIM!
I think that getting struck by lightning is the worst way to die. Its like God's drive by shooting.
I threw rocks at the campus clown again, so if the police show up at your door, we never had this conversation...
I used to hate it when aunts and grandmas, used to come up to me at weddings and pinch my cheeks and say "Your next" "Your next". Well they stopped doin that crap when i started to do it to them at funerals. BRB
I want you..............I need you..............to leave a message
I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive? But suicide's a crime
I was about to conquer the world but then I got distracted by something shiny.
I went to Tickle a Pickle for a Nickle.
I wish I were you so I could be friends with me.
I'll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab
I'll be back when I can get my head from between the rail in my stair case.
I'm a little teapot short and stout; here is my hande, here is my...other handle? Shit, i'm a sugar bowl!
I'm away but if I told you were I was I would have to kill you buh bye!!
I'm away but the man with the gun to my head said I can't tell you why. *gulp* help....
I'm away right now. I'm bartending at a MMADD meeting right now so talk to you later bye.
I'm away(mentally, not physically).
I'm away... This away message would have been a lot wittier if I I were smarter.
I'm bartending at an AA meeting..bbl
I'm busy right now but leave your name and number so I can throw it away.
I'm busy right now, and if I tell you what I'm doing, then I'd have to kill you!!
I'm doing something really important right now. I'm spinning in my computer chair, be with you when I can see straight again......"PLease stop the room from spinning, I'd like to get off
I'm having a karate competetion between me and the person on the other side of my mirror. Be back when I win.
I'm having a staring contest with the wall. It's harder than I thought! Anyway, when I win, I'll be back.
I'm hearing voices in my head and they don't like you!
I'm in the back yard hunting sharks.
I'm knocking on heavens door.. *voice in back round* Knocking? You very nearly broke the bloody thing down!! *me* That wasnt my fault!!! It was poor constrution..... I SWEAR!! Dont look at me like that...
I'm not available right now so please leave your name, number, and address and I will STALK you later.
I'm not here right now because my dog just ate my mouse and I'm waiting for him to poop it back out.
I'm not here right now but if you scream really loud into your monitor I might be able to hear you!
I'm not here right now, but if you'd like to reach me on my cell phone... buy me a cell phone.
I'm not paraniod... but I know that you think I am.
I'm not talented enough to scratch my butt and type at the same time.
I'm not talented enough to type and pick my nose at the same time.
I'm on a mission to save the world (I can't believe they trusted me with this).
I'm out driving with my keys in an electrical outlet...
I'm out like a dog in a chinese restaurant.
I'm out...If you need to reach me call 1-800-I-Need-A-Life
I'm playing hide n seek with Bin Laden damn he is good! So it might be a while.
I'm playing hide-and-go-seek. Try to find me.
I'm puttin on a clown suit and walkn up and down the street!!! This is a kodak..MOMENT!..
I'm riding the ponies outside WalMart. Be back when I run out of quarters.
I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 3%?
I'm sitting right at my computer, you can IM me but I'm too lazy to respond at the present time.
I'm somewhere over the rainbow.
I'm sorry the number you are trying to reach is no longer in service or has been temporarily disconnected......Please hang up and try your call again..... if you believe you have reached this recording in error you may hang up then dial the operator!
I'm sorry, did you say chinese food?
I'm stalking you, that?s why I'm not here.
I'mhavingtechnicalissuesatthemommentbackinafew
If a tree falls in the woods... Do all the other trees laugh at it?
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?
If I'm not back in 10 minutes, avenge my death.
If life gives you lemons, throw them at some one!
If the away message is a rockin...don't come a knockin!
If This Message Appears On Your Screen, You Win Our Famous 'I Want To Live In A Farm With Hens' Contest !!! Thanks For Playing %n This Moment Is In History It's %t And 2day Is %d
If you are a man, let's have a show of hands. Who here is female, let's have a show of hands. Who here is an idiot? Great. Now put your hands down, everybody.
If you are more then 80% addicted to aol instant messenger, call 1-800-i-need-a-life.
If you go to your friends house and ask were the bathroom is and they say down the hall second tree to the left They must be poor.
If you press F1 and then F2 and then tab over you will be able to hear my voice through your speakers. Repeat 10 times.
If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you want me to fall for you, you better get something for me to trip over.
If you want to know where I am call a psychic! If you're too lazy to do that just leave me a message!
if you were a weener i'd so totally suck you
If you wish on a falling star it might come true... Unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth... Then no wishes come true... Unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth.
Im gone like %n in who wants to be a millionaire
Imagine, if you will, a world without hypothetical situations.
In my bed, care to join me?
Incase of fire scroll down!! . . . I said in case of a fire dummy!
Instructions on how to keep an idiot busy: Read instructions again.
Inventions rejected:fireproof matches
Is there a reason why you keep on IMing me? Do you need help? There is a program just for you called... Mavis Beacon!
Is your computer running? You better go chase it.
It is a dog eat dog world and I am wearing Milk Bone underwear.
It is better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
It's not you... it's me.
It's only funny untilsomeone gets hurt...then it's hilarious!!!
Its not right for people to walk around with there shirts off to show their muscles... I mean you don't see me walking around with my shorts off.....
Just because you aren't paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you.
Keep staring at the screen and maybe I'll come back.
Kidnapped
Knock knock. Who's there? No one. No one, who? No,seriously no one is here so leave me a message.
Knock-knock Whos there? Boo Boo who You don't have to cry, I'll be right back.
Kodak Moment!
Leave one, I'll reply in 5 minutes or less... or your money back guaranteed! (See rules for details, no purchase necessary)
Let's dicuss right and left... you're right, I left! :-P
Let's practice our right and left. You're right, I left!
Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. Like choking.
Like a fat girl in a dodgeball game.... I'm out!
like a fish out of water, I'm.. dry.. ou.. of... ideas.. for AIM.......... what the hell, just leave a message
Lost my bikini top surfing the web... hold on while I go and find it!
Lost...
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you!
Woman: But would you stay there??
Mommie, is that you?
MONKEY SEE MONKEY DO!!!!!!I SEE BUT WHATTA DO?
My box that was holding my pet fire ants broke.. so im running around the house trying to find em all..
My Braces Are Stuck To The Carpet...
My dog ran away with my keyboard and I'm out trying to catch him.
My dog thinks I'm crazy. I'll be back when I'm done arguing with him.
My dogs head is stuck in the door! Wait! I don't have a dog so once I figure out what is stuck in the door I'll get back to you.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
My lawyer has told me to reply "no comment" as to my current whereabouts.
My pants are burning.....
My pants are burning? Should I take them off?
My parole officer needs to use the computer.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Never argue with me, I'll drag you down to my level and beat you with a bat.
Never take advice from somebody else. - somebody else
Nice Monologue %n .. Just Keep On...
Note: Away messages are not accessible through AOL Instant Messenger.
Oh I'm sorry this isn't (your name), it's the AOL support line...the wait to speak to an attendant is 4 days, 3 hours, and 5.9 seconds, but please wait...your call is very important to us...thanx and have a nice day!
Oh no! The commercials are true! The slim jim man really is alive and he is in my stomache flirting with my cupcake!
Oh shut up already, stop your whining - God
OHHH. Shiny object. So pretty............
ok ppl it's time to think outside the box this is the box [] u need to be here []
Okay I'm back now, what did I miss? Oh shit! - God
Okay, I have an idea. How about I just put up an away message, and make it seem like I have a life, even though I'm probably sitting at the computer... rocking back and forth, humming the theme to Sesame Street...
OMG! %n just ran into a pole...This may take a while?
On my way to my computer I went to sit down but missed the chair, fell on my head and dropped unconscious. And when I came to this away message came up. So leave a message. Oh, and can you tell %n that I found his underwear.
Only fools leave away messages.
Only stalkers look at other people's away messages!
Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.
Out playing hide-and-go-seek with bin ladin...EVERYONE HELP ME FiND HIM!!!
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
People that scan away messages for entertainment are pathetic. Let me know if you find any good ones.
Pet Food Only - Not For Human Congestion
Picking the fuzz off my sock, be back when I'm done.
Play Boy has done Girls of Wal-Mart & Girls of McDonald's ... If playboy was to do a "Girls of My AIM Buddy List" ...Who would participate?
Please hold for the next avalible represenative... that would be me, but I am not here so please continue to hold.
Please leave a message at the beep. If you don't hear a beep please leave!
Please read this away message then go away.
Probably the most depressing thing in the world is having to do homework... Well, no, actually. There are probably lots of things more depressing than homework. Like running over a cute puppy dog. --------Im sorry i jumped to conclusions so quick and said that homework was the most depressing thing. ------- It still sucks, though.
Procrastination is the thief of time... I'll finish this away message some other time.
Quick! Everyone IM %n!
Real Men of Genius. Today I salute you, Mr. Compulsive Away Message Checker. While most people are out living college life, you are at home reading about it on your computer. Right-mouse-clicking and Getting Buddy Info, or even using the little Info icon at the bottom of your Buddy List. Sure there are people on your list that you haven't talked to in years, and would probably consider you a stalker for keeping them there, but that doesn't stop you from reading their away messages...EVERY DAY. So click open a fresh new Buddy Info window, Marauder of the Mousepad, and don't wander too far from your computer...because you never know when someone will be back.
Remember, %n, that when someone annoys you it takes 32 muscles in your faceto frown, but only 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that mofo upside the head.:-D
Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity.
Repetition Repetition Repetition Repetition Repetition Repetition Repetition is a sign of stupidity.
Right now I'm dancing in front of a full length mirror in spiderman underwear. I could really use some music....
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Right now,i'm sitting on my couch,watching t.v., eating,and getting fat.........no surprise there!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Roses are red, violets are blue, most poems rhyme, but this one doesn't. I suck at poetry, and creative away messages, so leave me one if it's important.
Roses are redViolets are blueSome away messages rhyme, and some don't.
Rules of me:
#1. i am always right
#2, just in case i am wrong see rule #1
Running around robbing banks all whacked out on scooby snacks.
Save the trees, Nuke the whales!
Say this real fast.
I am we todd did.
Sofa king we todd did.
Screw Hotsauce...I'm the hottest stuff on this earth! ;-)
Shhh, I was never here...
Shhhhh! I'm hiding from %n...Damn! How did you find me??
Shhhhhh..........Im tring to avoid %n......dont tell them though.........OMG, how did you find me?!
Since the world is going to end in about 5 minutes..how bout me and you confess our love to each other and make love on my couch?
Sitting in a corner thinking about what I have done.
Smart people like me don't use away messages... I am so smart!
Somebody told me to change my away message so I did.
Someday my prince will come he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions.
Sometimes it is better to keep your mouth shut to refrain from sounding stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Sometimes my mind wanders...but I can't get it back... Don't worry you can still talk to me.
Soory my cat has the mouse?
Sorry I am being Chased by 6 Penguins and they seem to want my ButterFinger but damnit they can't have it. So I will be back after I have run them over with my Barbie Car.
Sorry, I only listen to the little voices inside my head...
Sorry, I'm not here right now. Feel free to talk to the computer as long as you like. I'll get back to you later.
Sory speelcheck isnt werking so my speling isnt up too par...
Sry my cat has the mouse...........
Standing on train tracks, don't worry, a train won't hi..
Suicide Hotline... please hold
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
Take a few chances you wish you had later, live life a little more, fear a little less, and remember, When life gives you lemons, throw them back and tell life to MAKE ITS OWN DAMN LEMONADE!
Talking to me while i'm away is like talking to a deaf person and expecting results.
That which does not kill me had better run pretty darn fast.
thats right ladies, I'm optimizing my hardrive, :-* don't all call at once Grrrrrr
The first time I was chatting with someone online, they asked me "asl?" I tried to sound it out and got realy ticked of and started warning them because I thought they were calling me an asshole.
The Only thing worse than people who keep themselves up to date by reading the away messages are those who leave the long detailed messages of where they are. I got news for you no one cares!!
The owner of this screen name is away from the computer right now; you are talking to their older brother; Please feel free to tell me all your juicy secrets though....
The screen name "%n" currently has a virus. If you are in contact with this name please notify AOL immediatly.
The screen name "%n" currently has a virus. If you are in contact with this name please notify your service provider immediately.
The sky was dark, The moon was high, We were alone, just her and I, Her hair was brown, her eyes were too I knew just what she wanted to do, So with my courage I did my best, I placed my handupon her breast, I trembled and shook and felt her heart, Slowly she spread her leags apart, I knew she was ready, But I didnt know how, It was my first try, At milking a cow.
The voices inside my head, don?t like you. So go away!
The word of the day is "legs" I'll go spread the news
The world is coming to an end. Please log off
The zoo called....they want you back in the cages with the other monkeys!!
There are 3 kind of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't
There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count. Which of the three are you?
There are three things I hate in this world: 1) Lame away messages. 2) People who can't count.
There is a smurf at my door and i have many questions to ask him...like what color his face turns when he holds his breath...bb when i'm done!
There's a light at every tunnel, just pray it?s not a train.
Think about it? Will they ever give the Tricks bunny some cereal? " Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids!" or leave the leprochon alone?" they stole me lucky charms!" Life is just not fair! Even the bunnies get screwed!
Think of it this way...I dont want to talk to you.
This away message is here to keep you company.
This away message with self-destructed in: 5 4 3 2 1 Just Kidding!
This is (your sreen name): If you are the credit card company, I already sent the money. If you are one of my friends, you owe me money. If you are female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
This is a sad and funny away message. The sad thing is you're IMing me expecting me to read your message and return. The funny thing is that I'm at my computer desk laughing the whole thing up right now.
This is a sad and funny away message. The sad thing is you're IMing me thinking that I'm going to respond and the funny thing is that I'm sitting in front of the computer staring at the screen rolling on the floor laughing watching you IM me.
This is you know who at you know where. Please leave a you know what after the you know what. I think you know how...
This place reeks of evil. Either that, or it's sausage... Nope, I'm pretty sure it's evil.
Tickets to a Brittney concert: $54hockey mask: $14a dozen eggs: $3egging America's pop-princess: priceless
Tip of the Day: Don't waste your life sitting at the computer reading away messages.
To see your future, look below...

Some person called (your screen name)will be back in a couple minutes!
Today we salute you, Mr. Compulsive Away Message Checker. While most people are out actually having a fun life, you are at home reading about it on your computer screen. Right mouse click, Get Buddy Info, or the little Info box at the bottom of the Buddy List. You have people on that list you haven't talked to in years, but you still loyally read their away messages every day to see what they're up to (borderline stalking). So, crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Marauder of the Mouse Pad, and don't wander too far from your computer because you never know when someone's away message may change.
TV is god, And im praying...
Two beers $7. Three margaritas $15. Four Jello shots $20. Taking home the girl who drank all of the above....PRICELESS
Two words guys hate... don't & stop unless you put them together!
Uhhhhhh...................
UUUUHHHHHHH I'M PATRICK...........You know I'm watching Spongebob silly.
Walking the dog, will be back when he is finished.
Warning! Do not read, classified information below:I am away from my computer right now.
WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.
-Warning label on a fax machine
WARNING: Cannot locate away message, please restart your computer and try back in 365 days.
Warning: Do not drink battery acid. May cause burning sensation in mouth and throat. If already congested please consult your doctor immediately or contact the poisons information hotline
Warning: Do not drink the battery acid. It doesn't taste good and will hurt you. Also do not bite the tires, especially while the bike is moving.Our lawyers made us put these warnings in. -In a manual for a motorcycle
We are all born cold, wet, and hungry... Then things get worse.
Welcome to the ool.
...notice there is no 'P'..lets keep it that way.
What do I look like, a news channel?
What if the hokey pokey is real? What's it all about? Will we have to turn ourselves around?
When all is said and done more is said than done.
When I was younger, my parents encouraged me to walk and talk. Now, all they want me to do is sit down and shut up!
When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them.
WHEN THE MULLET IS A ROCKIN..........DON'T COME A KNOCKIN!
Who are you? and why are you reading my Away Message?
Who wrote under the bleachers: See more butts!?
Why do people use away messages, they're so stupid!
Why go away from the computer? You want me to go outside?! There are bears outside!!!
Yankee Doodle went to town ridin in a toyota be back later when I fetch some motor oil
Yo, I'm out like a fat girl in dodgeball. Hit the cell.
You are probably doing one of these two things:
1. You think you are slick by checking my profile to see what my away message is, so you don't have to IM me and look stupid.
-or-
2. You are looking stupid because there is a little yellow post-it right next to my name, and yet you still IM me.(With the exception that I was talking to you before and now you are answering me, and in that case you are SLOW!)
You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
You have just recived the Amish Computer Virus. Since the Amish don't have computers, it is based on the honor system. So please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you for your cooperation!
You have reached my AIM answering machine. Leave me a message. Your message is currently number 5852 and I will start answering messages from number one so please wait patiently until I get to you.~Beep~
You have reached the reverend (yourscreenname's) confession hotline. Please leave your sin, and I'll get back to you with a penance. Remember that a confession doesn't count unless it's a vivid, detailed, blow-by-blow description of the sin. Thank you.
You must first dial a 1 or a 0 before you make this call.... please hang up and try your call again!
You want me, huh?
A girl is much more than she seems She's not a toy by any means Underneath all the make-up and hair There's a tag that says: "Handle with care"
A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do .
A heart is not a play thing. A heart is not a toy But if you want it broken Just give it to a boy
A wise man once said, "I don't know, go ask a woman!"
Behind the eye-shadow. And the long brushed hair. There's a sign on our heart. Saying "Handle with Care."
Boys are dumb, throw rocks at them.
Boys are like a box of chocolates...You never know which one has nuts
Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.
Boys are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped
Boys are not pigs. Pigs are cute, considerate, and caring.
Boys aren't stupid, girls are just smarter.
Boys suck...especially on days that end with a "y"
Busy beautifing myself, it's a girl thing.
Coffee, chocolate, and men. Some things are just better rich.
Cute enough to make you look twice, Sweet enough but not too nice, A lil crazy but not too wild, The kinda girl that'll make you smile
Don't call me princess, don't call me queen, just call me the cutest thing you've ever seen.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful; hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
Don't talk about yourself all the time because we do that when you're gone.
Flirting; be back in a few hours.
Friends are forever, and Guys are whatever ... But when worse comes to worse ... My GIRLS Come First!
Girls are cute. Guys are not. Girls are sweet. Guys just rot.
Girls are like butterflies they?re pretty to see and hard to catch.
Girls are like phones, they liked to be held, and talked to but if you push the wrong button you will get disconnected.
Girls are so cool, that's why when boys look at us they drool.
Girls aren't easily amused, that's why I can't sit in front of my computer all day.
Girls know everything, boys just don't know it yet.
Girls rule while boys drool!
Girls were born so boys wouldn't get lonely
God made man before women because you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.
God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt.
Guys are like parking spots...All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Guys are like public toilets ~~~ They are either taken or full of crap!
He broke my heart so I broke his jaw.
How pumpkins are like boys; their heads are empty, their brains are mush, and after a few days, they start to smell funny.
I am made of sugar and spice and everything nice.
I don't need to wear make-up because I have natural beauty.
I don't need your attitude... I've got my own.
I hate thongs, I mean come on, who needs to floss their ass?
I know I'm beautiful but I still need my make-up.
I know you think I'm cute, I know you think I'm fine, but like the rest of the guys, take a number and wait in line!
I love boys; they're so dumb.
I'm a girl and I bite so don't bother me.
I'm doing my make-up, I'll be back in a few hours.
I'm not a complicated woman; I'm just good at complicating things.
I'm sugar and spice and everything nice. You wanna mess with me? Well you best think twice!
I'm sweet like sugar, soft like suede, but unlike nintendo, I never get played
If you think girls are all for clothes make-up, jewelry and boys, then you're right.
If you think I'm hot leave a message.
It's a girls world, guys just live in it.
It's that time of the month and going online would be the last place i'd want to be right now so if you don't have to worry about maxipads and underwire...... GO TO HELL!
Men have feelings too but who really Cares!?
Mental anxiety, Mental breakdowns, Menstrual cramps, Menopause... Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with Men?
Much money...good boy, no money...good bye
My nails are drying so I can't type right now.
Never call a boy a pig; you might insult the pig!
Real men do laundry. Too bad I haven't found one yet.
The only boy who deserves you is the on who thinks he doesn't.
There once was a boy who wanted to be really smart. So that night he wished upon a star and in the morning he was a girl.
Wait for the boy who will drop everything for you at any time of the day just to see you. Wait for the boy that will make an ordinary moment seem magical. Wait for the boy that you can't help but smile when you see, and when he smiles, you know he needs you. Wait for the boy who will be your best friend. the one who wants to show you off to the world even in your sweats with no make up...but most of all, wait for the boy who will put you in the center of the universe, because he is obviously the center of yours
Waiting for the right guy, meanwhile having fun with all the wrong ones.
When God made girls He was so proud. When God made boys He was so upset. When God made me He was just showing off!


You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor with out holding on...
You've reached the Department of Redundancy Department. Please leave a message and a message and I will get back to you, and I will get back to you. Thanks, thanks again.
YOUR COMPUTER IS NOW INFECTED WITH A BAD VIRUS. But...
If you want to fix your computer, do what these directions tell you:
Type the following into your favorite write program (Microsoft Word, Notepad etc.):
Type an M
Type an I before the M
Make a space after the M
Type a P
Type a D after the P
01001001 01100001 01101101 01101110 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 - That's binary for "I am not here"
Circumference equals pi times? hmmm, pie?
E=MC^2
I am calcuating how many seconds a bumble bee flaps its wings when getting hit by a moving object going 25 mph.
I am writing a program that will blow up %n's computer...mwahahahahaha
I lost my pocket protector....I'll be back later when I find it.
I think %n fell out of the "geek" tree and hit every branch on the way down.
I'm a computer geek... and the computers idle. So basicly I'm sleeping or I died.
I'm out getting my suspenders hemmed.
I'm out with my Chess Gang. Yeah, I'm in a gang... I do what I want.
I'm programming, and pop up windows bother me.
It's merely symptomatic of our post modern on ways, there are no obsolutes, unless you percieve our world as meaningless, when it's really your own freedom you detain.....when you figure out what this means...I MIGHT..get back to you
Keyboard Error: Keyboard Not Found: Press F1 To Continue.
My computer is away from me at the moment.
Type an S right before the P
Type a U Before the P But after the S
Make a Space after the D
Type an R
Type An O BEFORE and AFTER the R
Go back to the begining
Type an A before the S and then make a space
Go to the end
Type an M Before the first O
Go to the middle
Type a T between the S and the U
Type an I inbetween the P and the D
Go to the very end.
Type an N
Now read the code out loud.
Your virus is gone!
Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.
Watchin scary movies, stayin up late, getin in fights, goin on double dates, slumber parties, pillow fights, watchin movies, stayin up all night, midnight phone calls, playin a game, gettin in trouble, going through pain, being the worst, being the best, being best friends, giving support when you are down, helping you out when you want to drown, that's why I love you, that's why I care, becuase I know you'll always be there
We are friends to the end and no one can bend what we have together just me and you forever If anyone asks we'll just wear our masks and laugh cause we're friends and no one can make that end!
We grew up with them. We laughed with them. Created memories together. They hold a special place in our hearts. We have many names for them like angels, and buddies but my favorite name is a best friend.
We started our group, our circle of friends. And like that circle there is no beginning nor end
What is fun? I got it: "F" is for friends that do things together. "U" is for you and me. "N" is for anywhere at anytime in any place here in the deep blue sea
When true friends leave each other they never say "good-bye", it's "see you later."
When you got a smile on your face & a twinkle in your eye only your true friends know your about to break down and cry
Yeah we're tight, and yeah we fight, but through all of it, there's one thing that will never change, we'll be friends forever.
You and I are like uncooked Ramon Noodles; Stuck together like sisters.
You came into my life not too long ago and I want you to know that I'll miss you so You mean more to me then just a friend, pal and a buddy? You're the person I come to when my life is really cruddy? Now that the year is
You helped me laugh, you dried my tears, because of you, I have no fears, together we live, together we grow, teaching each other what we must know, you came in my life, and I was blessed I love you girl, you are the best, release my hand, and say good-bye please my friend don't you cry, I promise you this, it's not the end 'cause like I said you're my best friend .
You wrapped your arms around me, and said it'll be all right. You consoled me in my time of need and chased away my fright. You were my friend when I really needed you, and for that to you, I will always be true...


some sports people play are-football-baseball-rollerbladingfor me it's food * runs away*
Sorry, I'm eating right now and I can't type with my mouth full.
Statistics say that people who eat live longer than those who don't, so I am eating right now.
The best kind of cooking: TV dinners. Well there you have it, they're meant for watchin TV, not the computer.
The food in my kitchen is calling my name and the chocolates are yelling the loudest....I better go see what they want!
The frog goes ribbit, the cow goes moo, and I go BUUURRRPPP!
The king has invited me to a royal feast and I must accept.
There are two things I don't eat for lunch; breakfast and dinner.
Theres a Rumble in my Tumble so to the kitchen I may Fumble!!!
Transitive Property of Food: Me = Human Human = Eat Food Me = Eat Food
Trying to look like rosie o'donnel.
Tummy refill! :-D
Two things I don't eat for lunch; breakfast and dinner.
Warning: Animals will bite if disturbed while eating.
Went in search of food, bbl....
What would I do without food? It is very prechious indeed. It is needed at many times,and sometimes it helps me suceed! Pizza, Pie, and Carrots too, are all the foods I like to chew, So drop your hats and canes to... because food is more important than YOU! *Eatin some type of food right now*
When the fire alarm goes off that means dinner is ready!!!!!! BEEP BEEP BEEP! Listen to that my dinner is done be back in a little bit!
Whoever invented the idea of eating 3 meals a day deserves to be rewarded ;)
Would you like a cookie? So would I.
You know whats better than me? ...FOOD! HUNGRY!be back when I'm done stuffing my face!
Yummy in the tummy.
Oh no! Dr. Takeovertheworld is trying to take over the world. I must stop him. brb
Oh yeah, sure, send me a message when you know I'm away but don't when I'm there!!CAN'T YOU SEE THE NOTEBOOK THING!?!??!
only fools have away messages
Out doing things of great consequence...noble deeds that will change the course of human history...sculpting the future for our children and our children's children...or maybe not. Whatever. I don't see YOU doing anything
Please insert 25 cents and your message will go through.Thank You!
Sorry we dont want any cookies? ???*DOOR SLAM*
Sorry, I'm busy reading other people's away messege.
Sorry, My dog ate my Away Message.
Stop Im'ing me or you will find yourself with a screen full of your own messages
Taking a Reality break.
Talk is cheap and so am I!
The notepad just gives it all away, doesn't it?
There after me luckey charms! Got to go hide them. Be back in a few.
There's a very strange human of the male species at my front door, and he won't go away. =-O Hold on while I spray him with the hose. O:-)
This is where you leave a message... and I ignore you.
Tryin to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop. I'll be back when I'm done.
Uhhhhh.................bye?
Umm, Im away. I think. BBL
Welcome to (your name)'s electronic answering service. Please hold.
Well, I'm not here. Do you think you can handle it?
What, are you my mother??
Whats the deal with long away messages? They're so stupid! I mean all you have to say is "I'm away" and we get the picture! Have you ever read one before? I'll bet it took up like 30 minutes for you to read the whole thing right %n? They're just so stupid! Oh by the way, I'm away.
Why bother? you know my away message is up!
Why do u care why I'm away?
With a wink and a kiss, I'm sorry to announce, but this little hottie has got to bounce. So, with an X and an O, I'm out like WHOA. And with a touch of my hair and a twist of my hips, this little hottie is out with a kiss!
With an xXx and a oOo this Qt has to go! So leave me a message don't hesitate. I'll BrB you just have to wait!
You don't want to know, but I bet you're wondering . . .
People say sports are good for you so I've taking up a new sport, web surfing.
Reading non-instant messages, aka. email.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I'm surfing the web because I don't want to talk to you.
Save a tree, send an email.
Sending an instant message to someone who is not online. It's called email.
Since I don't get any snail mail, I am sending virtual letters at the moment and I will be back soon.
Sorry, I am emailing someone more important than you right now.
Sorry, I'm away from my computer right now. I lost my bathing suit while surfing the web. I'll be back when I find some clothes to put on.
Surfing the waves of cyberspace... Be back when the cyber sharks come out.
Surfing the web, be back when the tide comes in.
Using a slower form of instant messaging, which is known as email.
While you're checking my away message, I'm checking my email.
Why do they call it surfing the web when theres no water and you don't have a board to surf on?
You've got mail or someone will have mail, because I am sending out emails.
Life has many choices, eternity has two.
Life is short. Pray hard.
Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know God will come to know God because they know you.
Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, now rude; never selfish, not quick to tak offence. Love keeps no score of wrongs; does not gloat over another's sins, but delights in the truth. There is nothing love cannot face; there is not limit to its faith, its hope, and its endurance. In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love; but the greatist of them all is love. 1 Corinthians 13
Next time you think you are perfect... Try walking on water.
No God No Peace Know God Know Peace
Not seeing air doesn't keep me from breathing. Not seeing Jesus doesn't keep me from believing.
Now I wake up, get all pretty and dressed. Brush my teeth, look my best. So I can go to church, and praise his name. I guess your not at church, what a shame. But say a prayer to the sky and He'll forgive you He is a nice guy.
Our gift from God is who we are. Our gift to God is what we become.
Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness Matthew 6:33
Sorry I don't have time to talk to you right now because I am currently chatting with God.
Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!
The Lord has called me to my bed so that I may rest my weary head. When the stars go to sleep and the sun begins to peep, that is when we'll meet again. Until that time, goodnight dear friend.
The Lord is like Dial Soap... Aren't you glad you have him and don't you wish everyone did?
This angel has flown away to church.
Warning: In case of rapture, this computer will be unattended.
Worship me, and we will get along just fine.


When something stinks, you're probanly somewhere close to an Australian. (Submitted by a South African)
When you got to go, you got to go.
When your eyes start to water, I think that your bladder is trying to tell you something.
Where is the smelliest wishing well in your house? The Toilet!!! brb
Wheres the bathroom? Third bush after the rock...let me give you a guess I am in the bathroom...brb
Yo, emptying myself. I'll be back, much lighter.
You ever think the white toilet paper is boring? Yeah me too, I'm going go add some color to it.
You have to hold it, because I can't any longer.
You Know How Jets Make Like A Jet And Jet...Well...I Have To Make Like A Dumptruck And...Ummm...You Get The Point...
You know the expression, "I have to pee like a race horse?" That's what I'm doing right now.
You know the saying "A load off my back"....well..I'm about to take a load off my ass.
You know the saying, "make like a plane and jet"?...well I have to make like a dumptruck and....uh....well...you know.
You know you are addicted to the internet when you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
Youngen Me had a farm, E-I-e-i-o. And on his farm there was a toilet e-i-e-i-o, with a flush-flush here, and a flush-flush there, here a flush there a flush, evrywhere a flush-flush, Youngen Me had to pee! he will b-r-b! (sing to the music of OldMcDonaldHad A farm)Sleep; it's what I do when I'm not awake.
Sleeping like a baby.
Sleepwalking.
So this guy on the street tells me there's this new thing going around called sleep. He said "Its like nothing you've ever tried before." So I figured... you only live once, why not try it! Leave a message and I'll get to you in the morning.
Sorry I can't chat right now, it's past my bed time.
Suffocating my pillow.
Sweet dreams are made of sleep. Who am I to disagree?
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
The cow goes moo, the sheep goes baaa, the duck goes quack, and I go Zzzzzzzzz.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird.
The Lord has called me to my bed so that I may rest my weary head. when the stars go off to sleep and the sun begins to peep, that is when we'll meet again. until that time, goodnight dear friend.
The sun has gone to bed and so must I...
The time has come for me to take action! ...after I finish my nap.
The Transitive Property of Sleep: Me = Human Human = Sleep Me = Sleep
The voices in my head are snoring so I guess that means its time for me to go to sleep.
They say you snooze you loose. Well... I lost!
Toddlers are the hardest of all to babysit! Right now I'm playing horsey (please dont tell anyone!) don't call me because I wont have enough time to answer.
Too tired to carry on an intelligent conversation.
Too tired to talk.
Tossing and turning thinking about nothing but you ...and all of the trouble you've caused me.
Unconscious...
What is the heaviest thing in the world? Sleepy eyelids.
What's the question you can never answer yes to? Are you sleeping? Well if you're reading this right now then you probably want to ask me that. So here it is....Yes, I am sleeping.
Why talk when you can sleep?
Zzzzzzzzzz...
*~~supercalafragilisticespialidoscious~lalalalaladum diddy dum dumdiddy~~*
By the time you read this...you've aready read it!!
Did you just say that they are making us think the thought that we thought before we even thunk it? Or maybe you just mis-understood and they really said that we are thinking about the thoughts of the person who is next to us and what they are thinking is what we just thunk?!?!?!?! WAIT!!! Now I am confused!!!! Why don't you try to sort out my many problems until I get back. ;)
Did you know by reading this message you have wasted about 5 secounds of your life?
Dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o)dupe do dupe do dupidy do(o.o) annoying, isn't it
Have you ever IMed someone just to see what their away message said?
Hello all. How are you? I'm obviously not here, but don't worry! Don't be sad - never fret! I'll be back. Maybe in a minute, maybe in two. I'm just taking a short break from this computer for what ever reason. So maybe while I'm gone, you should eat some cheese. Did you know cheese is good for you? Take French for example....the Bri kind....yummy yummy. well anyway. I am going to be back soon. very soon. and by the time your done reading this, ILL BE BACK! so hang tight...or hang ten? I'll be back! which may or may not be a good thing ;)
Hey! I am away right now! Just leave me a message after the beep...............................peep (nope, not right)......keep (nope, not right again)...leap (nope).....sleep (not right)....teep (is that even a word?)....weep (not yet)....creep (hey, that's u!)....neap (neap tide?)....meep (nope).....sweep(naw)..............deep (close)....seep (closer)....i guess my machine isn't workin.....i just wasted a whole lot of your time...haha!
Hey, I'm away right now. Wanna know what I'm doing? Well okay. Come closer...closer...closer... NO CLOSER!!!okay here goes...NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!Ha ha haaa!! You'll never know what I'm doing! Only I do!!!
I can't talk on the computer right know so if, well, actually, I CAN talk on the computer now. I mean I'm at the computer NOW, writing this away message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're reading it LATER, except for you I guess its NOW, like, when you're reading it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
I I am I am so I am so so I am so so sorry I am so so sorry that I am so so sorry that I i am so so sorry that I wasted I am so so sorry that I wasted your I am so so sorry that I wasted your time I am so so sorry that I wasted your time for I am so so sorry that I wasted your time for 60 seconds I am so so sorry that I wasted your time for 60 seconds. LOL
I know a song that gets on everybodys nerves, everybodys nerves, everybodys nerves,i know a song that gets on everybodys nerves and this is how it goes! I know a song that gets on everybody nerves, everybodys nerves, everybodys nerves, i know a song that gets on everybodys nerves and this is how it goes...
I know something you don't know. Would you like to know? I could tell you if you want. You do wanna know, right? Are you sure? Because once I tell you, there's no turning back ya know... you're going to be enlightened and there's going to be no way around it. You really wanna know though? Alright... Since you're so anxious to find out I'll tell you...Here it is: I'm not here right now. I'll brb.
I was going to try to write something profound for my away message....once I realized that I could not do such a thing I decided that, instead, I would write about you're mom. Then I realized that you might kick my ass if you took me seriously, so I again decided to change the topic of my away message. I toiled and pondered and dug deep into my creative mind to come up with an away message suitable for what I was trying to convey. When I realized that was impossible I decided to just tell you that I'm currently away...but I'll be back later... Send some messages please.
I'm bored, and if you really care u'll stick around, and if you don't really care, u'll stick around & wait for me, why be because I told you so, and if you leave b4 I get back I'll be sooo mad, because when I get back what if no one is on? be because they all left? and you wouldn't want to be one of those ppl would you? I didn't think so. Now scroll down. * * * * * HA! you actually scrolled down? wow! I never realized how much of an idiot you were. * * * * * * still here huh?
I'm not you ugly. I'm not are ugly. Im not a ugly. Im not JACKASS ugly. Now read the 3rd word in each sentence .................................... You have just wasted 45 seconds and got insulted.
IT's %t do you know where your imginary friend is?
know an old lady who swallowed a fly... I dont know why she swallowed the fly, perhaps she'll die. thier was an old lady who swallowed a spider... that wiggled and jiggled and tickled inside her, she swallowed the spider to catch the fly, I dont know why she swallowed the fly, perhaps she'll die. their was an old lady who swallowed a bird... a bird, a bird, how obsured. she swallowed the bird to catch the spider, she swallowed the spider to catch the fly, I dont know why she swallowed the fly, perhaps she'll die. thier was and old lady who swallowed a cat, well how bout that, she swallowed a cat, she swallowed the cat to catch the bird,she swallowed the bird to catch the spider, she swallowed the spider to catch the fly, I dont know why she swallowed the fly, perhaps she'll die. thier was and old lady who swallowed a dog, she went whole hog when she swallowed that dog, she swallowed the dog to catch the cat, she swallowed the cat to catch the bird,she swallowed the bird to catch the spider, she swallowed the spider to catch the fly, I dont know why she swallowed the fly, perhaps she'll die. their was an old lady who swallowed a cow, I dont knpow how she swallowed the cow, she swallowed the cow to catch the dog, she swallowed the dog to catch the cat, she swallowed the cat to catch the bird,she swallowed the bird to catch the spider, she swallowed the spider to catch the fly, I dont know why she swallowed the fly, perhaps she'll die. thier was an old lady who swallowed a horse... she died of course.
Ned Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not. So it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some say Nott was not shot. But Shott says he shot Nott. Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, Or Nott was shot. If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot. But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, Then Shott was shot, not Nott. However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott, but Nott brb
The other day I was walking when I came across a paper and this is what it said: This is a This is way This is to This is waste This is someones This is time This is a way to waste someone's time. This is I This is just This is wasted This is a This is lot This is of This is your This is time This is I just wasted a lot of your time.
This should keep you busy while I am gone! :: Scroll?down ? Scroll?up
TkHkIkSkIkSkAkWkAkYkTkOkKkEkEkPkAkDkUkMkBkAkSkSkBkUkSkY read every other letter starting with T
Want to know a secret? Scroll?down.... Well too bad!!!
When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I feel the cool rush of skiing in the Alps, or skating in Alaska, or bobsledding in Lake Placid! - But, while I'm enjoying my York Peppermint Patty, the rush makes me oblivious to the chocolate melting in my hands. The chocolate gets on my keyboard, my mouse, my desk, and every other spot to which chocolate can stick. And when I go to throw away my York Peppermint Patty, I trip over a shoe because I'm too busy looking for a paper towel. I fall over and hit my head on the corner of my desk, cutting it deeply. The sight of my own blood causes me to regurgitate my York Peppermint Patty. Getting up and running to the phone to call 911, I slip on my own vomit, fall down again, and break my neck. And so my warning to all little children: don't smoke pot before eating a York Peppermint Patty
Why are you IMing me? Can't you see the little yellow tabby thingy next to my screen name? Or am I not on your buddy list? Gee, the thanks I get for being such a good friend... you don't even care if i'm on, do you? You're probably IM'ing me to tell me you hate me... is that right? I can't take this... this stress... too much stress... I've gone to CVS to get some aspirin and maybe a beer.
You know, I don't understand why people feel the need to put up these long, drawn out away messages up. I mean all you really need to do is just put up gone, sleeping, eating, studying, partying. But people just seem to go on and on and on and on with these things. I mean sure, sometimes they are interesting, but come on people. It's just basically a waste of time all together...
HELP! I can't get away from my computer!!
Here's how I think... Why get off if you know you'll just end up gettin on later, I mean thats what away messages are for!
I am not addicted to the Internet, it's addicted to me
I am not addicted. If I were addicted, you wouldn't see this away message up now, would you?
I can quit anytime I want to. I just don't want to.
I can't take it ANYMORE!!! I'm so hooked!!! I need to get off!! But I cant Stop! I need another patch! ahhh! much better... now for a cigarette...
I heard you're doing ok But I want you to know I'm addict I'm addicted to AIM I can't pretend I don't care When you don't think about me Do you think I deserve this? I tried to make you happy but you left anyway I'm trying to forget that I'm addicted to AIM But I want it and I need it I'm addicted to AIM Now it's over can't forget what you said and I never wanna do this again Heartbreaker Since the day I met AIM And after all we've been through I'm still addict I'm addicted to AIM I think you know that it's true I'd run a thousand miles to get you Do you think I deserve this? I tried to make you happy I did all that I could Just to keep you But you left anyway How long will I be waiting? Until the end of times I don't know why I'm still waiting I can't make you mine Heartbreaker I'm addicted to AIM
I live a weird life hiding behind a computer instead of walking out into the big horrible world.
I'm currently in an AIM rehab program. Part of weaning me off is putting this away message up. I'VE TAKEN THE SECOND STEP!!
I'm not addicted, I just can't get up!
I'm not as addicted to the internet as %n is!
I'm taking one of those "How addicted to AIM are you?" quizes... not that I'm WORRIED that I'm addicted or anything...
If you got this message, I pulled myself off the computer in order to take a brief break. I really doubt that I'll be gone long, and if I am, I am most definatly going through withdrawl, so please, stay, talk, I will return within seconds.
Im not addicted im just trying to be the person online the longest.
Im not addicted...I'm just affraid of that voice that says "goodbye"
Just 'cause I have to get on AIM everywhere I go (hospitals, library, laptop in the car, even during class) does not mean I am addicted!
Just because ALL I do is sit here at the computer ALL day long, doesn't mean I'm addicted. and just because I eat my food here, smoke my cigs, and sometimes fall asleep on the keyboard too...No! I'm not addicted, SERIOUSLY..what were you thinking?
Just because I've been online for a whole day doesn't mean I'm ADDICTED... my chair is just COMFY...
Maybe soon I'll be able to deal with the 3-Dimensional people...
My two biggest problems are addiction to the internet and procrastination. I'm away from the Internet now...I'll work on procrastination later.
Notice how you and me are always online at the same time? You must be addicted.
Ok, it isn't my fault that so many interesting things happen in my life everyday so that I can stay online for hours. So just because I am loved by most doesn't mean I am addicted or does it......hmmmmm I wonder. I will be on for at least the next 14 hours so get back to me on that one.
Okay, okay! Just because I have to be online where ever I go DOES NOT mean I'm addicted... I merly need to know whats going on online where ever I am... And frankly I don't see this as my fault... Who ever came up with laptops and being able to dial up with any phone line should be at fault! So HA There!
So...I've been on all day. Like I care!
The fact that I have been sitting on my butt in front of the computer for about three hours does not mean I am addicted...It just means I have no life.
Think of it this way...if I were really addicted, would I have this away message up?
When I'm online, I'm glad I'm not Manic Depressive because I might just commit suicide waiting for a person to take there away sign off!

A career is born in public -- talent in privacy.
?Marilyn Monroe

It takes little talent to see clearly
what lies under one's nose,
a good deal of it to know in which
direction to point that organ.
?W. H. Auden

A man possesses talent;
genius possesses the man.
?Isaac Stern

Mediocrity knows nothing
higher than itself; but talent
instantly recognises genius.
?Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

A talent somewhat above mediocrity,
shrewd and not too sensitive, is more
likely to rise in the world than genius.
?Charles Horton Cooley

Talent works, genius creates.
?Robert Schumann

All resources are not obvious;
great managers find
and develop available talent.
?Zig Ziglar

I do not want to die ... until I have
faithfully made the most of my talent
and cultivated the seed that was placed in
me until the last small twig has grown.
?Käthe Kollwitz

An idea can turn to dust or
magic, depending on the
talent that rubs against it.
?William Bernbach

I thought my talent would transcend
my outspokenness. I was wrong.
?Mickey Rourke

Competition is the whetstone of talent.
?Proverb

Genius does what it must, and
Talent does what it can.
?Owen Meredith

Common sense is perhaps the most
equally divided, but surely the most
under-employed, talent in the world.
?Christiane Collange

Everyone according to their talent and
every talent according to its work.
?French Proverb

Each man has his own vocation; his talent
is his call. There is one direction
in which all space is open to him.
?Ralph Waldo Emerson

Doing easily what others find difficult is talent;
doing what is impossible for talent is genius.
?Henri-Fréderic Amiel

Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to
follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.
?Erica Jong

Practice Safe Hex.

Jesus Saves, Moses Invests.

Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Life is a riddle; unfortunately the answer's not written on the back of anything.

Writing is easy. You just stare at the paper until your forehead bleeds.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

My truck does not leak. It's just marking its territory!

If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.

There's a pinch of the madman in every great man.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Sex is like air.....it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

My karma ran over your dogma.

I is a college student.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Gravity-It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

"Treat me like an angel and I'll be your lil' devil."

Crazy is a relative term in my family!

Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.

"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.


Boys make good pets!

Princess in training!

At least I can still smoke in my car

Caution, Blind Man Driving.

"Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make."

All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day!

"To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan

"No BLOOD no foul."

"Life's an Ocean, Sail It"

"We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip

Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The problem with the Gene pool is there arn't any lifeguards (hillbillies)

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The only reason I am always listening to music is to drownd out the sound of your voice!~

Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents.

"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

"don't drink and drive you might spill your beer"

If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough

Love is like a rose in winter, only the strong survive

Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.

I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.

"Where there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road."

I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because everytime i fall in love.....it never seems to last

Silence is silver, but music is gold...

Lifes Tough, get a helmet!

loved by some, hated by many, envied by most, yet wanted by plenty!

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Ax Me About Ebonics.

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A BLONDE.

All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

"i'm not tailgating, i'm keeping up with the pace car"

Roadhead cures Roadrage...

Tell your girlfriend I said thanks

" WARNING: in case of rapture, this car will be driverless. "

normal people worry me

you say physco like it's a bad thing

those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do

This delinquent is having sex with your honor student.

Save the environment...plant a Bush back in Texas.

"Your faith in yourself is all you will ever have. Don't let anyone take it away from you ever." ~ Holly Marie Combs

don't regret doing things, regret getting caught

None of us are virgins, life has screwed us all

"my tears for you are like dark chocolate- bitter sweet and probably no good for me."

"it takes a player to shoot a shot.. but it takes a team to win a game " - penny anae

everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE

Anger is one letter short of danger.

One death is one too many.

Life's not all bad. Look into somebody's eyes, you'll see that they're a person just like you, they also have good and bad feelings, hopes and dreams.

If you love somebody, they shouldn't make you cry, they should be worth crying over.

Lots of things change...lots of them don't...but the fact that I love you...that will always stay the same.

"I'm going to live life or die trying"

im sugar and spice and everything nice if u wanna mess with me u better think twice

"We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams."

"We didn’t lose.....we just ran out of time"~unknown

"Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license."

"You will be aroused by a shampoo comercial."--Homer J. Simpson

If you die, I'll kill you!"

There are some days when I just don't feel like talking.. Today is that day.

Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.

The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

"Find a guy that adores you and not one that you adore!!" MOM

Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Trust your instincts and listen to your friends, because they may be right when you don't want them to be

"Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP!"

"Inside this body lies that of a skinny lady. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate.".

They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?.

"When you pee in a toilet, you wipe the seat; when you pee in the woods, you wipe your feet!".
Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless.

Love is like heaven but hurts like hell.

" Look up for inspiration, down for concentration but don’t look side to side for information".

You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try. - Homer J. Simpson.

"Is tuna really Chicken?" - Jessica Simpson, after reading "Tuna, Chicken of the sea"

"I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down." –Anonymous

"Dying is just natures way of saying 'Hey! Your not alive anymore!'"

Roses are red, violets are blue, please flush the toilet, after you.

"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle."

"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous" -unknown

"I'll kill you until you die!!"

"They misunderestimated me!" -George W. Bush"

"I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to!"

"Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter."

"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"

"The whole world is going to hell and I'm driving the bus"

"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"

"Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it."

"I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states"

"A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation"

"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility"!

I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight

If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!!

"There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it."

If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!

Thank-you for visiting reality, come again........... Now entering your life, welcome

The entire world's a stage; I didn't get cast!

Consciousness- that annoying time between naps

Suburbia - where they cut down trees and name streets after them

"Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass"

I love him, O yes I do,
He's for me, not for you,
And if by chance you take my place,
I'll take my fist and smash your face!

"God made mud, God made dirt, God made guys so girls could flirt!"

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons!

For you are crunchy
And taste good with ketchup

Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!

"Loves a two-way street and I think your car just died"

Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!

"Loves a two-way street and I think your car just died"

Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!

It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and
say bite me in a bitchy tone!

Every morning is the dawn of a new error

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved

Dain bramaged

Most Popular Pickup Lines
Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.
You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"]
... I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
Pick up a pack of sugar that actually says, "sugar" on it and say, "You dropped your nametag!".
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after.
Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!
Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!
I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you!
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
You must be from out of space cause I can see the stars in your eyes.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.
Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say...
"I'm not really this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on
the floor...so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.
Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!
Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?

All Pickup Lines
A song from your lips is an aria from heaven.
All this could be yours for one low, low price!
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Are my undies showing? Answer: "No." You: "Would you like them to?
Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.
Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're hot.
Are you accepting applications for your fan club?
Are you an interior decorator? When I saw you the room became beautiful.
Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside?
Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?
Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here.
Are you Natasha, my contact?
Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day
long.
Aren't we supposed to get together for a candlelight dinner later tonight?
Aren't you the tiger on the Frosted Flakes box? Cuz you look "Grrrreat!"
As she's leaving....Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What? Me!
Ask a woman for the time. "10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM,
thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met
you."
Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!
Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print
Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Baby, you're the next contestant in the game of love.
Be unique and different, say yes.
Before you run, I am not a freak.
Beww BEWWW Beww (What?) That is the sound of the ambulance coming to pick me
up because when I saw you my heart stopped!
By the way the light is hitting your eyes, I can see myself in them, and
damn, I look good!.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I
just met the girl of my dreams.
Can I flirt with you?
Can I get a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do
exist
Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.
Champaign can be tickly, and so can I.
(Close hand with nothing inside and give it to her) It's my breath from when
you took it away (open palm while saying this).
Coffee? Tea? Me?
Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.
Compared to you, the sun feels cold.
Could you do me a favor and tell your boyfriend he's a lucky man?
Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Did you have Campbell's soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you're
lookin' mmm... mmm... good!
Did you hear the latest health report? You need to up your daily intake of
vitamin me.
Didn't I pick you up in the grocery store? 'Cause you're hot like salsa
Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here
after.
Do you eat lots of Lucky Charms? Because you look magically delicious.
Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Do you have a boyfriend? No. Want one?(if yes: Want another one?)
Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!
Do you have a sunburn baby, or are you always this hot?
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
Do you have room in your life for another friend?
Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?
Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.
Do you like anyone else in here? Well, I guess you are stuck with me.
Do you like music? (Yes) Good, I've got a great stereo system at home!
Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your
friend?
Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
Do you remember Crayola Crayons? They used to have this color...Blizzard
Blue. It was my favorite color and I could never figure out why. But I just
realized why, your eyes...Blizzard Blue.
Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
Does beauty run in your family?
Does Levi's pay you for wearing those and looking that good?
Does my breath smell okay?
Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me
to fall in love with you.
Don't walk into that building -- the sprinklers might go off!
Don't you know me from somewhere?
Ever since I met you, you've lived in my heart without paying any rent
Excuse me miss, I don't mean to stare, but um I think you're really
Beautiful"
Excuse me miss... Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want one, I
just wanted to start a conversation with you.
Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? (As you look around you
ask "where") Over there! (Ask again: "What did I drop?") He answers back: My
jaw!
Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?
Excuse me, but do you have tickets? (Tickets for what?) (Points to arm and
flex) To the gun show!
Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
Excuse me, but I may be lost... Can you give me directions to wherever
you're going?
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!
Excuse me, but weren't we blissfully married in a past life?
Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. What? (reach up and gently
squeeze her nose) BEEP. (If she laughs, she's yours; if she looks at you
funny, apologize.)
Excuse me, do I need to buy a ticket for your fantastic voyage?
Excuse me, do you have change for a $100 bill?
Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
Excuse me, do you think you might possibly have a mutual friend who could
introduce us.
Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are
the most gorgeous girl/guy I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell
you.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you
notice that I noticed you too.
Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a
sparkle.
Excuse me, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your
parents created such a beautiful creature.
Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?
Excuse me, is that your perfume that you are wearing?
Excuse me, mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to remember your face
for my dreams.
Excuse me... do you speak Klingon?
For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am
very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.
Giant polar bear (What?) It broke the ice.
Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!
Girl: I may not be Mya but my love is like whoa
Go up to the person and ask for their hand. Draw a line across it and
explain that it"s a big river, and the bunny on this side (it doesn"t matter
which side) really needs to get to the other side. Then tell the person how
they think that bunny got across. And when they finally give up, give them
puppy eyes and tell them that there was no bunny, but that you just wanted
to hold their hand. (Awwwwww)
God must have been in a very good mood the day we met.
Good evening. May a thorn sit down amongst the roses?
Good news, the test results are negative!
Got me? I'll do your body good.
Grab them in the butt and ask, "Pardon me, is this seat taken?"
Great choice of clothes, they match the trim in the Jag
Guy: What's your name? Girl: Danielle Guy: Oh... I thought it was Aphrodite.
Guy: Can i see your hand? (he draws a little river then a bunny on one side
and says he can't get to the other side because he will go glub glub glub.)
Gal: What was the point of that? Guy : Just wanted an excuse to hold your
hand
Guy: Did I see u somewhere? Girl: No Guy: Then I must of seen you in my
dreams! (works everytime)
Guy: I may not be Baby Bash but you're my suga
Has anyone ever told you that you have Scandinavian hands? (Uh, no.) No, of
course not, that would be an incredibly stupid thing to say, wouldn't it?
Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
Have you been eating Cocoa Puffs? cuz I'm goin cookoo for you
Have you ever been to Hawaii? (No why?) Well it was the most beautiful thing
I've seen till I gazed into your eyes
He: You look like my third wife. She: Oh, how many time have you been
married? He: Twice.
Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.
Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Hello? Oh, your body was calling me from across the room.
Help, something's wrong with my eyes - I just can't take them off you.
Here's your chance to get to know me.
Hershey's makes millions of kisses a day...all I'm asking for is one
Hey babe, can I have your number? I think it'll look better in my pocket
than in your head.
Hey baby you're so fine you make me stutter, wha-wha-what's your name?
Hey baby, where you been all my life?
Hey baby, you are like a pot of gold... Hard to get and hard to hold.
Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.
Hey baby... drop that zero and get with the hero in other words... you
better come with me.
Hey kitten, how about spending some of your nine lives with me.
HEY!!!! Wanna go half on a baby?
Hey, come here often? You could, with me.
Hey, don't frown - you'll never know who might be falling in love with your
smile.
Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl/guy with the beautiful smile.
Hey, haven't I seen you before? I remember, it was in my dreams!
Hey, how did you do that? (What?) Look so good?
Hey, I lost my phone number ... Can I have yours?
Hey, Laura! (Big hug). I haven't seen you forEVER!! (huge kiss) Wow, you've
really changed! (I'm not Laura) What? Oh my God, you even changed your name!
Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
Hey, where did your smile go? (Check back pocket) Here it is!
Hey, you owe me a drink. (Answers): why? Or I do? ---Because I dropped mine
when you walked past!
Hey, You were great on Bay Watch last night!
Hey... Didn't I see your name in the dictionary under "Kablaam"?
Hi, are you here to meet a nice man or will I do?
Hi, do you speak English? (yes.) Oh, me too.
Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead
say no.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
Hi, I need your help! My mom says that if I don't get a date by tomorrow,
she's putting me up for adoption.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
Hi, I'm Batman. Wanna see my batmobile?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Hi, my name's Right...Mr. Right.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
Hi. Are you cute?
Hi. Can I domesticate you?
Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Hi. My name is {name}. I'm running for president in 2012. And I could sure
use your vote. Here...write down your number and I'll call you to discuss my
platform.
How is your fever? [What fever?] Oh... you just look hot to me.
How much did it cost? (What?) The surgery that made you so hot!
I believe that it was Socrates who opined, "Know thyself." Well, I already
know myself, how about I get to know you?
I can read palms. {write your # on their hand} OOh it says your gonna call
me soon!
I can see you. [Uh, yeah.] Great! Then how about tomorrow.
I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
I didn't know that Miss America lived here!
I don't know if you're beautiful or not, I haven't gotten past your eyes
yet.
I don't know you, but I think I love you already.
I dropped a tear in the ocean, the day I find it is the day I'll stop loving
you
I envy your lipstick.
I have a cat. She would really like to meet you.
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a
pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
I have only three months to live.
I heard that you have a good dentist. Mind if I try out his work?
I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
I just got dumped, and I think that you could make me feel better.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are!
I knew that my life DID have a purpose, but not until I looked into your
eyes.
I know I'm not a grocery item but I can tell when you're checking me out.
I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was
included.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to
you.
I must be a snowflake, 'cuz I've fallen for you.
I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you!
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
I never thought that heaven would be so close to me"
I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.
I saw you, I had an asthma attack because you took my breath away!
I think I feel like Richard Gere - I'm standing next to you, the Pretty
Woman.
I think I must be dying because I'm looking at Heaven.
I think my medication is wearing off.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a
sparkle.
I tried to find the perfect line to make you mine, sweetheart, but after
searching all I could come up with was this look in my eyes and your hand in
mine, and the words, will you be mine?
I want to bear all your children. (to a woman)
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I want you more then a Popsicle on a hot summer day
I would love to be your tears, to be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks
and to die on your lips.
I'd marry your cat to get in the family.
If a star fell for every time i thought of you, the sky would be empty.
If beauty were a grain of sand, you'd be a million beaches.
If beauty were sunlight, you'd shine from a million light-years away.
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
If God made anything more pretty, I'm sure he'd keep it for himself.
If I could be anything I'd be a tear: Born in your eye, live on your cheek,
and die at your lips.
If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater.
If I could reach out and hold a star for every time you've made me smile,
I'd hold the sky in the palm of my hand.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
If I had a nickel for every time I've seen a woman as beautiful as you, I'd
have 5 cents.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through
my garden forever.
If I were to borrow your glasses, could I see you home?
If it weren't for that DAMNED sun, you'd be the hottest thing ever created.
If nostalgia was white and passion was black, my love for you would be a
little chessboard
If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
If water were beauty you'd be the ocean.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]." How did you know my name? "Isn't
every beautiful girl named that?"
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".
If you were a library book, I would check you out.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
If you were ice cream and I were hot chocolate I'd pour all my love onto
you.
I'm addicted to yes, and I'm allergic to no. So what's it gonna be?
I'm feeling kind of insecure right now. Could I have a hug?
I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?
I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
I'm sick. My medicine is to talk to you.
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start.
I'm the kind of man who deserves to have women I don't deserve.
I'm wearing Revlon colourstay lipstick, want to help me test the claim it
won't kiss off?
Inheriting twenty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak
heart.
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Is that baby oil on your forehead? Cause you shine like an angel.
Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I've been searching for!
Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?
Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the
stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they
say "yes."]
Is your name Gillette? Because you're the best a man can get
It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us.
It must be dark outside. 'Cause all the sunshine in the world is right here.
It's always good for you to see me again.
It's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? [Is it really your birthday?]
No, but how about a kiss anyway?
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
I've been noticing you not noticing me.
I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
Just where do those legs of yours end?
Know what I like best about you baby? You haven't maced me yet.
Let's make like a Fabric softener and Snuggle
Let's make out so I can see if you taste as good as you look.
Life without you would be like a broken pencil...pointless.
Like the sheets on your bed I want cover you with love.
Listen to this: my buddies over there said that I wouldn't be able to start
a conversation with the most beautiful boy/girl in the bar. Wanna buy some
drinks with some of their money?
[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?", say
"Checking to see if you were made in heaven."
Man, you sure are bright girl! Were you raised by the stars?
Man: "Would you like to dance?" Woman:(looks at you up and down) "No thank
you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood me. I said: "you look fat in
those pants!"
Man: excuse me did you just feel my ass? Girl: no you: why not?
Man:"Girl, you are so rude!" Girl:"How am I being rude?" Man:"Because you're
looking so fine and not telling me you're name."
Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only lovers will leave a
footprint on your heart. And you my dear have left one great leap on mine!
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
Miss, you made my heart stop...
My leech would like you as a new host.
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
My lips are registered weapons. Can I invade your personal space?
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic
personality.
Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous!
Oh my god, I thought I was gay... then I met you.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
Ok, I'm here, what do you want for your next wish?
Oooh, you're lookin' fine. Not in the good way, in the "you'll do" way.
(Open and close wallet quickly) Here's my "Fine Arts Connoisseur" diploma.
You sure are a masterpiece.
Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
(Person walks in, and you say:) And out of nowhere comes the sunshine!
Pick up a pack of sugar that actually says, "sugar" on it and say, "You
dropped your nametag!".
Picture this, you, me, bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne.
Pinch me. "Why?" You're so fine I must be dreaming.
Please don't go or else I will have to make a report to the cops....u stole
my heart
Pull my finger.
Really like your peaches and I wanna shake your tree.
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
Smile if you want me!.
So, are you going to give me your phone number, or am I going to have to
stalk you?
So, what do you like to do for fun? (Why?) 'Cause I'm gonna ask you out.
So, you're a girl huh?
Somebody needs to write explosive on you, cuz your the bomb!
Something tells me you're sweet. Can I have a sample?
Speak of the devil....or should I say "Angel"?
Stop, Drop, and Roll baby 'cause you're on fire!
Take a chance on me.
(Talk to her) Did I ever tell you you're my hero? You're everything I wish I
could be? (Start Singing) I can fly higher than an eagle! (talking) Because
(her name) you are the wind beneath my wings.
That's a nice watch [Thank you] Actually, that's a nice dress. [Again, thank
you] Come to think of it, everything is nice on you.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me about you is your name.
There aren't enough "O"'s in the word "smooth" to describe how smooth you
are.
There is much more here than what meets the eye.
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
There was no color in the world until I met you.
There's an aura about you that's hidden and I want to bring that aura out.
This is a test of the emergency pick up line service. Beeeeeeeeeep. If you
had been any less beautiful, you would have just heard a bad pick up line.
This is incredible. This is the first time that this has ever happened to
us. (What?) Each one of my 27 personalities found you cute!
This is your lucky day, because I just happen to be single.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really
this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."
(Walk over to her)"Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don't talk
about it."
Walk up and say, "Yes?" "What?" "Oh, my friend told me that you wanted to
make out with me because I'm the finest thing you have seen all night."
Walk up to a guy/girl hold up a $100 (or more if you're desperate) dollar
bill and rip it in half in front of his/her face write your phone number on
half of it and hand it to them. Then say, "how about you call me tomorrow
and we'll figure out a way to spend this money?"
(Walk up to someone and bite them anywhere) Person: What are you doing?!?!?
You: Sorry, taking a bite out of crime. Person: WHAT?!?!? You: Well it has
to be illegal to look that good!
(Walk up to them and touch them) Thank God, I thought that you were only an
illusion (mirage).
Want to see my stamp collection?
Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there's nothing else like
you!
Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess(or prince)
like you.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
Were you in Girl/Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
Weren't you on America's Most Wanted last night?
What did you say? Oh, I thought you were talking to me.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
What is your favorite color? (Answer) Mine too!
What is your first name? Hmm, that goes kinda well with my last name.
(switch if female asking a male)
What sort of person are you looking? Wait- don't tell me: medium height,
blue eyes, etc...
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
What would you do if I kissed you right now?
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
What's a nice girl like you doing talking to a loser like me?
What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off.
Hey, it's not coming off!
What's the name of your perfume? "Catch of the Day?"
What's your sign?
When God made you, he was showing off.
When I look into your eyes, it is like a gateway into the world of which I
want to be a part.
When I marry I wonder if God will be mad that I stole one of his angels.
When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on
the floor...so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
When you look into the mirror holding up a dozen roses, you see the 13 most
beautiful things in the world
When's our wedding date?
(While looking at stars) Baby, I didn't see any stars in the sky tonight,
the most heavenly body was sitting right next to me.
Who's your daddy?
Why do you have to be so damn fine every single day? Can't you take a break
and let me concentrate on something else for a change?
Woman, I hate to see you go, but I LOVE watching you leave....
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
Would you like someone to mix with your drink?
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming.
You - "Did it hurt". The other person will naturally say "Did what hurt?",
You - "When you fell from heaven."
You are a 9.9999. You'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.
You are a beautiful girl, you have probably heard all the great pick up
lines, so why dont' you just tell me the ones that worked so we can get past
all that....?"
You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
You are not a woman, you are an essence
You are so beautiful that I would marry your brother just to get into your
family.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
You are so sweet...I'm getting a toothache just looking at you...
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
You are the only reason why I came in here alone.
You are the proof that God has a sense of humor.
You are the reason men fall in love.
You can fall off a building, you can fall out a tree, but baby, the best way
to fall is in love with me!
You know at this angle as the lights hit your eyes [start fixing hair] I can
see myself and I look great." Then smile, and sheepishly say "just kidding."
You know I'd like to invite you over, but I'm afraid you're so hot you'll
skyrocket my air-conditioning bill.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women
look really bad.
You look beautiful today, just like every other day.
You look just like my mother.
You look like a big glass of water and I sure am thirsty!
You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book ... So
what's one more??
You look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!
You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
switch away.
You must be a chef, because you certainly are mighty spicy.
You must be from Hiroshima, cause baby you're the Bomb.
you must be from out of space cause I can see the stars in your eyes
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb.
You must be going to hell cause it must be a sin to look that good.
You MUST have a nice personality.
You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!
You remind me of a pop tart. (Why?) You're cool cause you're hot!
You Say: Looks like we're late." She Says: "For what?" You Say: "For dinner.
Your choice this time, I'm buying."
You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from
afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
You should be someone's wife.
You: Do you have a warrant out for your arrest? Them: No....why? girl:
Because it has got to be a crime being so damn sexy.
You: You're perfect in almost every way, except you have one major flaw.
Them: What's that? You: Your address. It needs to be the same as mine.
Your body is like a haiku in motion.
Your dad must have been retarded, 'cuz you are special.
Your daddy must be a terrorist, because baby- you da bomb!
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes
Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
Your eyes have touched my soul
Your lips look so lonely.... Would they like to meet mine?
You're a twinkle in my eye and an angel from the sky.
You're daddy must be a hunter because he sure caught a fox.
You're daddy must be an archer because he sure shot a bulls eye.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic Ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner set to full power!
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.
You're ugly but you intrigue me.
You've been a bad girl/boy. Go to my room.
You've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon.

Suggestions For Women To Respond To Pickup Lines

"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.

"Is this seat empty?"
"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

"So, wanna go back to my place?"
"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

"I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
"It's in the phone book."
"But I don't know your name."
"That's in the phone book too."

"What sign were you born under?"
"No Parking."

"I know how to please a woman."
"Then please leave me alone."

"Haven't we met before?"
"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

"I want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

"I can tell that you want me."
"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."

"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
"Stop."

"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"May I see you pretty soon?"
"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

"Your body is like a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services today."

"I'd go through anything for you."
"Good! Let's start with your bank account."

"I would go to the end of the world for you."
"Yes, but would you stay there?"

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

"Your place or mine?"
"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"
say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

He: Do you wanna dance?
She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

Q: Does beauty run in your family?
A: It obviously doesn't in yours!

Q: What's your name sexy?
A: Taken!

Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!

Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.
A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!

He: So, baby, your place or mine?
She: Both. You'll go to your place and I'll go to mine!

He: Your legs go clear up to your ass.
She: Most peoples' do!

Q: Can I buy you a drink?
A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Do stairs go up or down?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change
their name to Knockers?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
Why are Pringles curved?
What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?
Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?
Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
Can bald men get lice??
How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
"How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?"
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to
eat a big one?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do
you call a girl that is named after her mother?
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to
hit in case of an accident?
Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Can you cry under water?
If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ?
Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white?
Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?
Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled wrong?
If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?
If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put
them at the end of the bathrooms ?
Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18?
Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
What did cured ham actually have?
If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
Can a blind man see his future?
Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
Can you blow a balloon up under water?
Can crop circles be square?
How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
Why are there black lines on a basketball?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?
Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters?
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?
Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put
pasta into the water?
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?
Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the
traditional colors?
Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone?
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?
Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?
How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?
Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?
What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?
If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?
When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?
If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?
Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?
Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?
If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always
white?
If a table is propped up can it be propped down?
If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?
How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?
Can you fart and burp at the same time?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Have you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry?
If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical?
If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?
Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the
road...what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides?
If you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-drive lawnmowers
around at a hardware store?
Is there anything easier done than said?
Is it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia?
Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people?
If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?
Are you able to fart in heaven?
Why isn't sour cream really sour?
Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn’t care anyway?
Why isn’t the Q or the Z included on the phone
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Do ducks sneeze?
Why is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom?
Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?
Why do they call it "morning sickness" in the middle of the afternoon?
Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?
If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it?
Can vampires donate blood?
If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to?
If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor?
How come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church?
If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
Why is there an L in NOEL?
If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk?
Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?
What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle?
Do fish ever get thirsty?
Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?
If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
If you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on?
Why don't ducks duck when you shoot at them?
On a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one?
Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number??
Can angels eat devils food cake?
If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?
Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?
Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?
Is bad a bad word?
If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called?
What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?
Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?
Why do they call front seat shotgun?
Why are all farms red?
Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV?
Why are there dents in a golf ball?
Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?
What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room?
Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then?
How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
What do mermaids eat?
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?
Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?
If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?
If a policecar, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away?
Why are all farms red?
why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?
Are there female leprechauns?
Do judges and lawyers do jury duty?
Do fish sleep?
Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
Do pigs pull ham strings?
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"?
Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
Can dogs have dog days?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
Do birds pee?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What does OK actually mean?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
Do cows drink milk?
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
What is a male ladybug called?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do birds have white poop?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn't an exterminator be the opposite?
How many people do you need to consider it a mass suicide/murder?
If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?
Why is a woman in a suit a "business person” but a man in a dress is a "transvestite"?
When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon?
Was Dawson Named After The Creek or Was The Creek Named After Dawson?
Could a tanning bed kill a vampire? If not would they get a tan?
How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship?
Can you make cheese out of human breast milk?
IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?
If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?
How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters?
If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?
Do Dutch people always split the bill?
Can you sleep forever without being in coma?
Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?
If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?
How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?
If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?
Why is the blackboard green?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?
What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
How can you hear yourself think?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
why are turds pinched off at the end?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
What would you use to dilute water?
What should one call a male ladybird?
How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
Isn't hot water already hot?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What came first the chicken or the egg?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
What is a free gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
What is the speed of dark?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
What's another word for synonym?
When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Who invented accents?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why are we afraid of falling?
Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why aren't there bulletproof pants?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop?
Won't they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands?
What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
Why do guys wear underpants?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember
that they forgot?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
Do cows have calf muscles?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?

"You look like a dream."
Response: "Go back to sleep."

He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

"I can see forever in your eyes."
Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."

"I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

Beware of programmers who carry screwdriver

OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

A repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

A Laundromat:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHING WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Simon says stand! Simon says sit! Format drive C:! Ha! Gotcha!

People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten.

Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

A rock ----> me <---- A hard place

...now touch these wires to your tongue!

A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1

A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.

Haven't I seen you on a milk carton?

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

I'm a internaut and I'm OK. I surf all night and I sleep all day.

Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.

Avoid temporary variables and strange women.

Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.

A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Honey, I Formatted the Kid!

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...

How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.

One picture is worth 128K words.

Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.

One man's constant is another man's variable.

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities.

grep..grep..grep... (a Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat)

Your password is pitifully obvious.

Ghandi would have smacked you in the head.

Life in a vacuum sucks.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

A pessimist is never disappointed.

If I save the whales, where do I keep them?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

It's all fun and games,'till someone loses an eye! Then it's a *SPORT*

Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.

Marriage is not a word: it is a sentence.

Jesus is coming, look busy

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:

Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions. The other half, just don't care.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

1024x768x256... Sounds like one mean woman.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

"Could you continue your petty bickering? I find it most intriguing."

Answers: $1, Short: $5, Correct: $25, dumb looks are still free.

Drop your carrier ... we have you surrounded!

Back up my hard disk? I can't find the reverse switch!

Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.

DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename"...

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

File not found, I'll load something *I* think is interesting.

New Mail not found. Start whine-pout sequence? (Y/N)

Press any key to start formatting the hard disk.

General Brain Failure. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (O)h.

But I thought YOU did the backups...

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy?

"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?"

I Have To Stop Now, My Fingers Are Getting Hoarse.

Hey, whats that beeping noise? Wheres that smoke coming from?

Keyboard not connected, press F13 to continue

FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! - Press any key to do nothing...

Reality.Sys corrupted -- Reboot Universe (Y/N)?

OS/2? What's that? Half of an Operating System?

"How to Boil Water, in 500 easy steps" by Chuck Forsberg.

Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.

Half of the people in the world are below average.
   1. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
   2. Unite against togetherness!
   3. Reality Sucks! I’m Gonna Keep On Dreamin
   4. No fear! (NAME) is here!
   5. I Don’t Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me
   6. Life’s a bitch. Be its pimp
   7. I’m better than normal, I’m abnormal!
   8. A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts
   9. Save a tree, eat a beaver
10. By the time you read this, you’ve already read it
11. Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
12. Quitting smoking is easy, I’ve done it a hundred times
13. I don’t curse, drink and smoke. H*ly shit! My cigarette fell in my glass of beer!
14. Dont steal, the government hates competition
15. If you hate me, i love you too. It ain’t my fault i’m better than you
16. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
17. Save a horse, ride a Cowboy!
18. The higher you are, the farther you fall
19. Intelligence could be instinct which has it at the wrong end
20. When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!
21. What is arrogance? Thinking you can compete with me!
22. I’ve lost my phone number, can I have yours?
23. Not me, not now, maybe later…
24. Life’s a beach… Surf it up!
25. Trying is the first step towards failure
26. I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot
27. If it is tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
28. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but milk do?
29. Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone
30. I’m more drunk than a three-legged chicken on a wet patch of ice!
31. When I’m good I’m very good but when I’m bad I’m better
32. To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all life’s problems
33. WaNnA PLaY ArMy?? ... Ok! SiT BaCk AnD i’LL BLoW ThE HeLL OuT oF YoU!
34. I avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it
35. I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours
36. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question
37. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
38. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people
39. Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
40. When cows laugh, does milk come out of their nose?
41. Gravity always wins
42. The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk
43. There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise
44. I’m not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings
45. Buy land, they have quit making it!
46. Don’t judge a man by his boxers, it’s what’s inside that counts
47. I’m not suffering from insanity, I’m enjoying every minute of it
48. Eat healthy, exercise more, still die
49. Politicians prefer unarmed peasants
50. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once
51. Women/Men who seek to be equal with men/women lack ambition
52. What happens if you get scared half to death… twice?
53. Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re up too..
54. Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me
55. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most
56. If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws
57. I don’t have to be careful, I’ve got a gun
58. Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children
59. Oh my god, you killed Kenny!
60. Statistics are used by people who have no proof
61. Divorce: from the Latin word meaning “to rip a man’s heart out through his wallet”
62. You’ll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!
63. If you act crazy all your life, they’ll never be able to commit you
64. In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king
65. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, didn’t know where to shop
66. I like to con and insult people, that’s why I chose to become a Consultant
67. Mental Health is overrated
68. Be The Change You Wish To See
69. All generalizations are false
70. A clean dwelling place is the sign of a disturbed mind
71. This isn’t school! This is Hell with flourecent lighting
72. The funny thing about Common sense is that it’s not very common
73. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense
74. Next week there can’t be any crisis. My schedule is full already
75. War does not determine who is right… but who is left
76. If you are drinking to forget, pay in advance
77. If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried
78. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing
79. In the event of an emergency landing why do the people in the pamflet look so calm?
80. I can’t wait to see how you look when I’m naked
81. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights do make a left
82. 3 words to ruin a guys ego..is it in??
83. You can better lose a lover than love a loser
84. I’m only crazy when other people cant stand that I’m right
85. Women/Men are like public toilets, they are either taken or full of shit
86. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one
87. Work harder: People on welfare depend on you
88. Me breaking the rules? No. I test their elasticity
89. Be back later…my dog ate my car keys….we are hitchhiking to the vet’s office
90. We came, we saw, we drank beer
91. Geniuses are never understood in their own lifetimes
92. You can trust the government, just ask the Indians
93. Be nice to your children. For they will be choosing your nursing home someday
94. Don’t drink and drive. You might spill your beer
95. Save water, drink beer
96. Everybody makes mistakes, thats why they put erasers on pencils
97. People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do
98. Conserve water, drink beer
99. The rich get richer and the poor get children
100. Don’t breed them if you can’t feed them
101. Drugs cause amnesia, and other things I can’t remember
102. Harrasing me about my smoking may be hazardous to your health!
103. Marriage is not like war: You sleep with the enemy
104. Don’t lead me to temptation… I can find it by myself
105. A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge
106. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else
107. Bad Spellers Untie!
108. You must master your joystick, as a fisherman masters bait
109. Those who know do not say, those who say do not know
110. The road to success is always under construction
111. I’m looking forward to regretting this
112. ‘Pessimist’ is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is
113. Alcohol releases the inner retard in all of us…
114. Life is like a pack of chewing-gum; I’ve yet to figure out why
115. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
116. When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
117. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
118. If you’re going my way, I’ll walk with you.
119. A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey’s monkey!
120. Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the priviledge
121. §omewhere There’§ §omeone Who Dream§ Of Your §mile, And Find§ In Your Pre§ence That Life I§ Worth While, §o When You Are Lonely, Remember It’s True: §omebody, §omewhere Is Thinking Of You
122. Never start frowning because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile :-)
123. Well if I called the wrong numba, whyd you answer ?
124. There’s a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it’s not a train.
125. It’s not the size of the dog, It’s the size of the fight in the dog!
126. Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling!
127. YOU laugh because i m different i laugh because you’re all the same. ! hehehe
128. To the world your just one person but to one person you could mean the world
129. whats betta? a lie that draws a smile or the truth that draws a tear?
130. Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each one with a reason why I love you I was doing great, but then I ran out of stars
131. Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back
132. Do u believe in love at first site? or should i walk by again? Or should I bite?
133. Would you catch me if i fall.do you even notice me…at all?
134. DONT wish UPON A STAR REACH FOR ONE
135. God created men first, cause you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece!
136. Ti’s better to let someone think you are an Idiott than to open your mouth and prove it
137. I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh,But I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry
138. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened
139. If u needs space join NASA baby!
140. Dream as if you’ll live forever…Live as if you’ll die
141. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
"Calm down. It's only ones and zeros."

Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>

Computers can never replace human stupidity

Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer

(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...

Bugs come in through open Windows.

Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!

Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.

Brain over - Insert coin

COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.

Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.

JESUS SAVES, passes to Moses, he shoots. It's good! He scores!

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left

Why does the person that snores always fall asleep first?

Windows is a colorful clown suit for DOS.

DEL *.* does WHAT?

The most expensive component always breaks first.

Mouse not found. Driver not installed. Click to continue.

One person's error is another person's data.

Dogs crawl under gates, software crawls under Windows!

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

As easy as 1, 2, 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841

Windows isn't a virus... Viruses do something...

Get in touch with normal people. Leave us alone.

Fatal mouse error. (B)ury or (R)eplace?

WindowError:005 Multitasking attempted. System confused.

Sector not found... Did you look under the sofa?

There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

96.7% of all statistics are made up.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

"Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition."

"Tell me what you think, Captain, I'm all ears" - Spock

(A)bort, (R)etry or (G)et a stick and kill it.

Backup aborted: Please remove disk #192 and start over.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

C program run, C program crash, C programmer cry.

Definition of Terror: A female Klingon with PMS.

Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.

Experience: What you get when you don't get what you want

Friends don't let friends use Windows.

He's got a magnet!!! Everybody BACKUP!!!!!!!!

I to±d yo±, "Never±touch ±he flo±py di±k su±face!

I'm miserable without you, it's like having you here.

I've seen better conversations in alphabet soup.

If IBMs have Bugs, Do APPLES have Worms?

If Windows is User-Friendly, why do you need to read a 672 pages manual?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I think, therefore I am. I think.

If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing

It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!

Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!

Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.

Keyboard not found. Press any key to continue

MicroSoft Windows... a virus with mouse support.

Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.

Nothing beats Windows, it keeps loading and loading and loading...

Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible.

Optimist: Someone who doesn't know all the facts yet.

RAM = Rarely Adequate Memory.

Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

The awful price of purity is Puritans.

Vuja De - the feeling you'll be here later.

A cynic smells the flowers and looks for the coffin.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...

Every silver lining has a cloud.

Reality is that part of the imagination we all agree on.

Diplomacy is saying: "Nice doggie!"... till you can find a rock.

Avoid generalisations: they are NEVER valid.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Press Ctrl-Alt-Del for unlimited access to this system.

What on earth is a "free gift"? Aren't all gifts free?

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may just be happy.

THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules.

She lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted looks.

Pronoia = the suspicion that others are conspiring behind your back to HELP you.

Sorry... my mind has a few bad sectors.

Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

The best defense against logic is stupidity.

User - a technical term used by computer pros. See idiot.

User not Found. (S)mile, (L)augh, (T)hank God?

Whatever you delete today, you desperately need tomorrow.

When you kill a bug, ten more come for the funeral.

Windows 3.1: the best $99 solitare game I've ever seen!

Windows Error: 001 - Windows loaded. System in danger.

Windows Error: 002 - No error yet ...

Windows Error: 003 - Operator fell asleep while waiting.

Windows Error: 004 - Erroneous error. Nothing wrong.

Windows Error: 010 - Reserved for future mistakes

Windows v47.4 - We **FINALLY** got it right!!!

Windows... Just say no!

Windows:(n.)1. Something that comes with the mouse you bought.

Windows:(n.)2. The Gates of hell.

Windows:(n.)3. The solution to a problem that didn't exist before

Windows:(n.)4. Proof that God has a sense of humor.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.