Stewie Griffin Quote Collection

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How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on

there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta

story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working

on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main

character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off.

So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of

grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I

might kill you tonight.

Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his

damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can

while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES

EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!

Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I have no problem. There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not

so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to

myself, 'My God wouldn't it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual?'

Oh I know it hurts now Brian, but look at the bright side: you have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know...the novel you've been

workin' on? You know the the one, uh, you've been workin on for three years? You know the novel. Got somethin' new to write about now. You know? Maybe a,

maybe a main character gets into a relationship and suffers a little heartbreak? Somethin' like what... what you've just been through? Draw from real life

experience? Little, little heartbreak? You know? Work it into the story? Make the characters a little more three dimensional? Little, uh, richer experience

for the reader? Make those second hundred pages really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen? Some twists and turns? A little epilogue? Everybody

learns that the hero's journey isn't always a happy one? (Voice returns to normal.) Oh, I look forward to reading it.

Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home

and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an

ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.

Aha! So they *do* make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet! Well, fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you

all! I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful, porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society!

You know Brian, just because you can't feel your teeth doesn't mean the girl can't feel your insults.

Brian: Umm...where are the toilets?
New Yorker Editor: Oh, no one at The New Yorker has an anus.
Gary Coleman as Stewie: Whatcha talkin' 'bout vile woman?!

Quagmire: Hey there spud in the mud.
Stewie: Oh god do you bathe in Aqua Velva?

Well, all's well that ends well, eh Brian?

Oh, a peace offering, is it? Very well... What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?

Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a 'good boy?' Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?

All right, Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be...”nice."

Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!

Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.

Whoa! Oh, goddamn it!

Another! Another! Mama has candy kisses!

Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! Mmm, mama's skin's so soft

I don't need to $@%# impress you.

So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?

All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.

Hey, big guy... how you doin? Holdin up all right? Want a soda? Oh, screw it. I tried!

Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?

Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?

So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank

ladder!

So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"

I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis, " "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake."

Snake Griffin.

We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're having the times of our lives

Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees.

How dare you, at least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants.

Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please!

We'd tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass.

The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten!

I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today Mr. Rogers, I dare say you find it quite in ruins.

You. You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.

867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113.

Oh, for God's sake, there's only one way to put an end to this nuisance.
How does he know about the machine?

Yea and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said,

"Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."

I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.

What are you looking at, you infantile stupid? That's right, damn you and such.

Damn the toilet. It's made slaves of you all. It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.

Oh, oh you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. The fact is the man's out there every bloody night, with fresh material, and he's charming

How deliciously evil. It's like something out of Stephen King

Wait. That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snake bite.

Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who in turn sells them to Ura's people so that they can ethnically clense the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other!

My God, I'm to entrust my life to a turtle - nature's "D" student?

Look at him. He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?

Oh, I'm sorry, we're fresh out of that, all we have left is untimely death!

I'll bet money / You'll marry a honey / Who's pretty and funny / And her name will be Ted.

ou, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter. If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take six months off my face.

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again

You know- the sex... with Simon. I mean, why else would your name be first?

Oh, relax. The old girl didn't have much to wag about these days, anyway

Look at Jesus over there all by himself!

You would think those bulldogs would invite him over to play poker with them.

] Well, I say, look at you there. You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care where you get it becasue you have no self-respect and that gets you off, doesn't it?

Honey, there's nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that's sort of how you were created...
Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out!

The only reason we die, is because we accept death as an inevitability.

Tell me that's not Epic!

Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!

Now really I- don't change the- is it a kind of cake?

Oh there is a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, with all indignity you force me to suffer for all these years!

he sixties brought the hippie breed / And decades later, things have changed indeed / We lost the values, but we kept the weed / You've got a lot to see / The Reagan years have laid the frame / For movie stars to play the White House game / We're not to far from voting Feldman-Haim / You've got a lot to see / The town of Vegas / Has got a different face / 'Cause it's a family place / With lots to do / Where in the fifties / A man could mingle with scores / Of all the seediest whores / Well now his children can too / You heard it from the canine's mouth / The country's changed, that is except the South / And you'll agree / No one really knows, my dear lady friend / Just quite how it all will end / So hurry, 'cause you've got a lot to see / The baldness gene was cause for dread / But that's a fear that you can put to bed / They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head / You've got a lot to see / The PC age has moved the bar / A word like "redneck" is a step too far / The proper term is "country music star" / You've got a lot to see / Our flashy cell phones / Make people mumble, "Gee whiz" / "Look how important he is" / "His life must rule" / You'll get a tumor / But on your surgery day / The doc will see it and say / "Wow, you must really be cool" /

Warm out today. Warm out yesterday. Even warmer today. Met her on my CB / Said her name was Mimi / Sounded like an angel come to Earth / Oh, my fat baby loves to eat / s?A big old Buddha belly, and her breasts swing past her feet / My big ol' fatass baby loves to eat! I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!

How positively delightful... it's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble.

You didn't love me. It was my cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed. Go get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin-loving freak!

The life of the wife is ended by the knife.

Ugh, that'll never do... translator. You there, with the severe aesthetic deficiencies!

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?

Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.

Very well, what are the stakes if I win?

Hidden missile behind the Great Wall? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh No no! I'm a rocket man.

Rocket man! Burnin out his fuse out here, Alone!

I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A "melancollie"

This is my rifle / This is my gun / This is for fighting / This is for fun!

Actually, my first violent act involved that ticking time bomb that I left in your uterus when I left. Happy 50th Birthday, Lois.

It's eerie, isn't it. Like looking into the future.

How wonderful it will be to have mother back!
Soda... purple stuff... Sunny D, all right!
I can jump on the bed all I want. You're not my mother.

OK, Rupert, what do you think of our Mad Lib?

Cinderella had two step-'watermelons', who were very 'smelly' to her. So her fair god'toilet' turned her pumpkin into a big 'fanny', and sent her off to the

'poop'.

Stewie: You hate Lois? I hate Lois too! What, what else do you hate?
Sperm Bro: People who send pictures of their families as Christmas Cards!
Stewie: People who use the word "guesstimate."
Sperm Bro: Guys who wear sandals with socks!
Stewie & Sperm Bro in unison: JASON PATRICK!

ey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, your my bitch."

Stewie: Go on, hot wire it!
Brian: Hot wire? I don't even pump my own gas.

Stewie: A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmmm. That is good. Oh I feel stronger already. Mmmm it's good tasting and good for you.

Stewie: "Ahh..did I remember to turn the stove off?...Yes."
Stewie: No, no, no! I don't think so. It's not that I have ideological differences, I'm just not a hat person.

Stewie: Oh! Oh! This story is so good, it must be fattening!

Hey, you know what today is? A bad day to be a sperm!

Stewie: So broccoli, mother says your good for me,well I'm afraid i'm not good for you!

Oh, oh...look at this...a spare key for a Volkswagen Scirocco...they don't even make those any more! They don't even make that car anymore!! Whose keys are

these?

Stewie: Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right.

Stewie: Oh...I...I thought you...you interrupted...me. Don't interrupt me!
Put me down, you lazy skank!!

Uh, there's a half-dead-fat-man eating a dead-fat-man...am I the only one who realized? Oh, okay...

Stewie : Brian--knock knock!
Brian: This is stupid.
Stewie: Come on--knock knock!
Brian: Okay, who's there?
Stewie: It's Stewie and he's always going to be there for you!

Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!

Stewie: Hey Brian, Marion just called you an alcoholic.
Brian: Oh yeah, well she just called you a homo!!

Stewie: Ohhh! She has the voice of an angel...not to mention a balcony you could do Shakespeare from!

Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don’t already know! Ah Sun Zhu's The Art of War.
How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind.

Loosen up, the old gal doesn't have much to wag about these days anyway.

Little Asian Girl: Hey Stewie, do you want to complete our rainbow?
Stewie: Dear God, I've been adopted by a Benetton ad.

I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.

Stewie: Plans? What the devil are you talking about?

Do the women there have exposed clitoratae?
Why you toddering, fen-sucked dewberry! I'm going to go find something to strike you with! Excuse me.

Stewie, say hi to our new neighbor, Officer Swanson.
Stewie: You will bow to me!

It's good to have land.

You know, there are three hours until the exam.
Brian: Oh crap! And all we’ve done is work out!

You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere of something exactly like this, which leads me to believe this probably won't work.

You know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material and he's charming.

DAMN YOU VILE WOMAN!

It seems with death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile. Nick nack paddy whack, give a dog a bone.

The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.

Stewie (to Death): Love your work.

Damn you vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

But of course. That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarion bastille! Return the device woman!

Very well then. But mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance shall come.

Ooh, Lois, someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside.

Blast you and your estrogenical tyranny!

That's right Mr. Giraffe, get all the marmalade

The pilot of that plpane must have been JFK Jr.

Those jugs are mine until all the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains!

Victory is mine!

Not tightly enough it would seem, and now you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!

What the deuce?!! FLEAS! ARGHH!! (Jumps out his bed and runs down the hallway, sliips and crahses into the table at the end of the hallway.)
Stewie: Damn you Mop and Glow!!

Yes, I rather like the sash, but do the Huggies make my ass look big?

I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.

Oh, by all means, take your time. Oh, and when you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes half-way to

bloody Boston!

Let's see, soda, purple stuff...Sunny D, alright!

I say, Rupert, this paste is quite delicious. It's almost worth the bowel obstruction!!!

Go suck a rail road spike, I haven't got any money!

I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.

aby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.

Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch."

Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.

So, umm...this is uhh..awkward but uhh..have we ever actually, you know, met? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if you have a room up there. You

know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, umm...you know thats something to

think abou..(burps)..oops just burped.

You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without Nilla wafers it's just another one of your wretched culinary

abortions. Now clean it up!

You know it's awfully dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height? I say, let me get on your back.

Listen you, I'll use these facilities when I'm DAMN WELL READY!!!! Untill then you shall continue to sanitize my crevice and be DAMN GRATFEUL FOR THE

OPPORTUNITY!!! Starting right . . .hmmp. . . hmmmp. . . . .hmmmmmp well then, not now, BUT SOON!

Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.
For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

I smell death on you.

Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankels behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall KILL you.

o-LENE. I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once.

Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.

No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhh! Take that.

"Garfield at Large", by Jim Davis. Now as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay! Or is he?

Let's read on.

I think you...are a special person....now now now...come on...I'm being...I'm being serious...for...for a second...are...are you gonna listen to me? Are you

gonna listen to me...so I...can tell you that I respect you?

HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh... excluding that first Ha.

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on

there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta

story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working

on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main

character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off.

ey look! The fat one made a funny!
Okay, I got one....if you were to cook any slower, why you wouldnt be cooking very fast now would you? (Pause.) Well that wasn't very funny....oh, oh...
okay I got one (giggling) if you were to cook any slower, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you would need an egg calander....hahahaha!! Oh yes, I went there!!

nother baby? But, but I'm the baby. Why the deuce would they want to replace me? My, my cheeks are pinchable, my bottom is smooth, my laugh is heartwarming.

Aha ha ha ha ho ho ho! What's that? I certainly am not overreacting! What the devil do you think happened to Bobby when they added cousin Oliver to the Brady

bunch?
(Cut to the Brady family sitting around the table)

ust look at that butt, that is a tight butt....hmmm

Yes! I'm going to wow her tonight Rupert, I'm going to be cooler than Brian when he hangs out at the bowling alley.

That's what I love about high school girls... I keep geting older, they stay the same age, hehehe, yes they do, yes they do....

What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? (Smashes breakfast into wall.) Make it again!!

] So which of the Latin countries are you from: the one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine, or the one with the fancy hats?

I'd love to stay and chat but your a complete bitch, so bye!

.and thats for wearing blue socks with purple pants! EWWWWW!!!

Ummm, yeah. We couldn't run an ad that said no Portuguese, but ummm...no Portuguese.

oes this not disgust you?
Brian: Kid, you're talkin' to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

I say Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared are positively devine! Mmm, excellent texture, provocative suppore, try another you say? Well, aren't I the

wicked one?!

Oh and I suppose those billious curds you force fed me from your teet were perfectly fine then!

So I don't get hurt;" that's the best you can come up with, you dull-witted termagant?

Play "Wheels on the Bus" and get the hell out of my sight.

I'm ready! Well, lets see wat we have today. Big piece of chocolate cake for me. And OH-- something very nice for BIG FAT YOU! (Hands Chris a leaf from the

plant in the middle of the table.) Bon appitet! Oh and you can have my fork, i shan't be using it. Watch me. Yes that's it.

I require a window seat and an inflight Happy Meal, and no pickles! God help you if I find pickles!

And I guess you're a Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from again, the University of DUH?!?!?

Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? Well of course you didn't you worthless little... (Hits Rupert the Toy Bear). There, see what you made me

do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you? Well actually I do. I enjoy it so much I'm going to do it AGAIN!!!

Good shot! Made my brown-eye blue with that one!

Now is the winter of your discontent!

Now, I'm going to do something I like to call the 'Compliment Sandwhich" Where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with

something good.

Something good... something good... You look like SNOOPY and it makes me smile... but you have smelly dog farts.

My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eatting Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

Oh, I'm sorry, We're fresh out of that, but what I can give you is UNTIMELY DEATH!

She needs to get laid BIG TIME!

: I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Everybody! I'm drunk and I wanna go to bed. Just the women!

Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.

Email me at lois must die (all one word) at yahoo.com.

h come on I barely hit you! See this is why people don't respect the WNBA!

Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth grade level.

I've read your article, too, Brian. Seems to me like you should spend less time working for the paper and more time (voice goes extremely high) workin' on

that novel you've been workin' on. You

You call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs! They're lies!

I'd like to see the kid from Barney with the hearing aid do that.

What's that? Oh yes, yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!

OH MY GOD! I'm a woman!!

Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."

Enjoy your studio apartment.

Let me tell you something Nessa, a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a fucking sock in it you cow!

What are these? Pancakes? Oh oh, these are delectable. Good news Flappy, I've decided not to kill you!

: Mother, life is like a box of chocolates--you never know what your gonna get. But your life is like a box of active granades!

If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?

You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did.

For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

hat coffee mug that you have on your desk, it says life's a beach? Umm that's dangerously close to the word bitch isn't it?

Oh, absolutely! And nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie, and you know between you and me I think it's a stitch, but some of the other employees found it

offensive.

Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile.

Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers!

: Well, I can't believe we just did that. Hmm, umm...but you know that stuff about spending the day together tomorrow. Umm...I forgot actually I have a

thing. But...uhh you know you have my email address so drop me a line and I'll have yours. And uhh...we'll take it from there.

What the deuce?!

If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?

What's this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G ... oh, that's better than sex!

You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

So, umm...this is uhh..awkward but uhh..have we ever actually, you know, met? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if you have a room up there. You

know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, umm...you know thats something to

think abou..(burps)..oops just burped.

an I...Can I touch your hair? I'm gonna do it...I'm gonna touch it. Ooohoohoo it's like a sheep.

God, all this work keeping people from having sex, now i know how the Catholic church feels!

: Oh yes, you have a lot to think about: public drunkenness, grand theft auto

Hey...so that's a pretty reasonable reaction huh?

Good lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?

ou know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without Nilla wafers it's just another one of your wretched culinary

abortions. Now clean it up!

You know it's awfully dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. I say, let me get on your back.

Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

ou know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence ... gotta get me some of that.

Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.

And they’ll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss

Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops!

And if you find yourself with some you sexy thing
You’re gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling
Cause you can’t say penis!

Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm

so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it.

Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post!

Damn you ice cream, come to my mouth! How dare you disobey me!

I say, I must use him for, OH GOD THERE'S AN ORGY IN MY MOUTH!!!!!

Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight!

: Listen you, I'll use these facilities when I'm DAMN WELL READY!!!! Until then you shall continue to sanitize my crevice and be DAMN GRATFEUL FOR THE

OPPORTUNITY!!! Starting right . . .hmmp. . . hmmmp. . . . .hmmmmmp well then, not now, BUT SOON! (Walks off.)

Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Would you put your hands there on the toilet seat, it'll help me relax.

By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins

'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.

Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.

I bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull.

Oh damn! Jeremy is still in the trunk! How long has it been, two weeks? Yeah, he's dead.

Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it, and if you question me again I'll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won't make it easy for you.

I want pancakes!! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click-bloody-click pancakes!!!

Flag Girl? Ummmm, yes good for you... Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call!

Peter: I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die.
Lois: Oh my God.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?

We met on the Internet. He lured me into the car with promises of candy and funny stories.

Oh my God... It has finally happened, he has become so massive that he collapsed into himself like a neutron star.

Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!

Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

: Why don't you burn in hell?

Don't toy with me Ernie! I've already dispacted Mr. Hooper, I've got 6 armed men stationed out side Big Bird's nest, and well as for Linda, well, its rather

difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assasin approach now, isn't it?!

Oh indeed I can! (Pulls out a raygun.) One! Two! Three! Can I count to three for God's sake?! I'm already shooting at a fifth grade level!

Oh very well. I suppose I'll go and pump the chemical toilet. (Eyes the trashy girl.) apparently, you're about to do the same.

hut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid! What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!

Oh somewhat, good middle management type. Just sort of blends in with the furniture, though, never really wowed anyone at the office.

Yes yes, you too. Oh and if you see Arnie, tell him 'boogity boogity boo.' He'll know what it means.

You know what else is disgusting? (He farts and his right eye turns red.) Oh damn, I broke a blood vessel.

Uh you've reached stewie and brian, we're not here right now, uh and if this is mom, uh send money because we're college students and we need money for

books...and highlighters...and.... ramen noodles...and condoms, for sexual relations with our classmates.

Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

: Damn, must have pulled something playing hoops last week.

know you ain't puttin that rock up from here, cause you ain't got no J

Brotha please, you're the one who's trippin'! Now go on! Cry home to your momma! She waitin' for ya!

Oh, sweet! Bring it on bitch! Now how you gonna act?! (Basketball player walks away.) Jeeze! Bringin that trash in here. Dis is my house!!!

Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You

know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program

before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context

to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too.

Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just

like that boy from INXS..(Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.)
Stewie: I'm going to do it! (Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.)
Stewie: BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're Wonder Woman!

Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Oh hey lady. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah, oh it's just me, Stewie, just being myself, ah yeah. Oh, oh well this here? Oh, it's just my package,

yeah just ah just ah my package, God delivered it I signed for it the world keeps on spinnin', yeah.

You're drunk.
Stewie: You're sexy.

Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and

the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

id you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean

you as well pack it in. Game over.

There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.

Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day

return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's...

It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring

myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did

that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

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written by Ani, July 23, 2008

If you people having account on facebook, this is one of the coolest app I came across. 'Zinger', an app dedicated for movie and tv quotes (Hollywood off course) Check it, you will like it!! (And it has Family Guy Quotes Collection too!!)